11 Types of Popular College Guys in Nagaland

1.The Hallelujah Kind-Nagaland with 88% Christian population can never fail to produce girls who love religious guys. There is no rule that he should always quote Bible verses in the cafeteria chat, but he is so committed to his faith which surrounds him with an aura that girls (a particular set of girls) find themselves attracted to him. Well, God must be really happy with him for making the girls reaffirm their conviction in believing 'He created everything beautiful'. 'I Love Jesus' T-shirts are hard to find, sad.

2.The Lead Guitarist- In the land filled with music lovers, the guy who plays the lead guitar in the college band is hard to miss. He is the girl in the middle when it comes to receiving attention showered to his band members.  We live in a world where injustice prevails, the bass guitarist might know his instrument better than the lead guitarist but he hardly gets the attention he deserves. And in worst case scenario, the lead guitarist hogs the limelight in a matter which might electrocute the bassist, but no one notices until there is a burned meat on the stage.  

3.The Topper- Whatever might be the objective, the chief of all the objectives for enrolling in a college is to get the degree. Hence, the guy who is blessed with a hardworking spirit and a brilliant mind receives his own share of attention. He might not be a looker but the nerdiness in him makes him cute like a button. Way to go sexy nerd!

4.The Mega-Archie-He is a born charmer and to his reputation, he has earned the title of 'Legend' for successfully dating the daughter of the principal, the title of 'Ultra Legend' for dating the most popular girl from the rival college and the title of 'Lord Legend' for asking his beautiful teacher out. He is popular for breaking hearts, but this talent of his is time-bound. As long as there is no police case filed against him, the karma will hunt him down first by rewarding him with receding hairlines then potbelly then something not erect which we have understood even without mentioning. 

5.The Hunk- He can be of two categories, dumb hunk or smart hunk, but popular, nevertheless. If he is a smart hunk then he can perform wonders with his, 'hey girl!' intro. If he is dumb hunk then it is no waste too, he can always find a girl who irrespective of knowing he is dumb has a queen size crush on him which makes her write his assignments and fix all the missing notes. Now that's what we call, beauty with a purpose. 

6.The Richie Rich- He is just too rich, he is no Mark Zuckerberg @ 19, so probably his father is crafty and hardworking or maha corrupted because we have not heard of any business houses in Nagaland. He might have a car of his own or a glossy bike, he might be the one treating his friends time and again in A1 restaurants, he might have the best of clothes and shoes, but at the end of the day, he is just a guy trying to cover his insecurities, and investing money for petty attentions. So, out of sympathy, we have to give it to him. 

7.The Captain- Let's just say, he is the captain of the college football or basketball team, other than these two no other sports-games hold significance in Nagaland's colleges. He plays extremely well, he has represented his college and although there is no concept of cheerleader in this state, he finds himself being crush upon by the popular college girls. Anyway, let's be happy for him, after all, in a state where little or no money is invested in sports' infrastructure, such attention comes as a big reward. 

8.The Brother- Although he does not wear any of the Marvel Comics hero costumes, he has this protector, defender, caretaker presence. He often finds himself surrounded by girls who need help and he is ever ready to fix it. He can even punch the guy who tries to bully that sweet girl and later spend an hour in searching the first aid box. He just cannot see tears in the eyes of the girls, he just- just-just cannot. Wow! Because of this 'fatherly presence', he is popular, thanks to his service. 

9.The Leader- He loves politics, he says, he hates politics, but he is lying because he is a politician in becoming. No one is out of politics or free from politics, one can be non-partisan but one cannot be non-political. He is a born leader, he is an excellent orator, he represents the college whenever something goes messy, he talks and sometimes does not walk the talk but most of the time, he walks the talk. Many see him as the next big leader and he will be someday (if only the goddess of money blesses him). He is loved, he is hated but while in college, he cannot be ignored.

10.The Poet- He is made extremely popular by girls who love posting sentimental (synonyms: nostalgic, tender, emotional, dewy-eyed, misty-eyed, affectionate, loving, says the Google) quotes on every social networking account of hers. Every saint is not a saint, he can be a sinner masked as saint, likewise, every self-acclaimed poet is not a poet, he can be a person undergoing an emotional phase which makes him write or he might be plagiarizing poems which are nothing but bunch of underrated internet poems which the readers have never read. 

11. The Perfect- Basically his mom got impregnated by Zeus. He is just freaking perfect. He is the royal combination of beauty and perfection.  He does not exist in reality, but yeah in movies. The blogger wrote this point for that particular 'teenage romantic movie lover'. Thank me later :) 

7 Reasons Why You Should Attend the Wedding of Your Ex- Debunking Why You Shouldn’t!

1.  It’s nothing to do with Self-Respect- You don’t have any self-respect when you go to your ex’s wedding uninvited. But if you are invited then it is like making the full use of the opportunity to prove yourself why you are in fact the most awesome ex of this 21^st Century, a century filled with egoistic people.
2. It teaches you Self-Control- In your greeting card, you will be tempted to write long mushy note narrating how painful your breakup was. Taylor Swift and Elton John might applaud it but no, you are not going to write about the post-traumatic medicine you had after the split. I mean, you will refrain yourself from narrating all the Civil War romance crap you had. You are going to keep it short and sweet. Hence, this is pure self-control.
3. It will teach you how to be Polite- Now listen, there will be people or at least one person who would ask you, how do you know the groom/bride? Well if the truth is, you met at a party and had one night stand but he/she was like professional porn star which hit you like butter cake and milk so you started dating but you broke up and you are the pathetic ex on his/her wedding. Are you that uncivilized and brute to give all these factual details? This is not even honesty, this is a pure revenge monologue. Hence, you will be utterly polite and with a smile, reply, we were college friends or we became friends through a mutual friend.
   
4. It will teach you how to Act- Maybe it was your lifelong dream to act at an international level or national level or regional level or state level movie, but you never got the opportunity. This is the perfect opportunity to do so. Inside you may want to kill your ex for the car loan whose EMI you are paying till date, you might still love him/her, want him/her but it is her/his wedding so you are too classy to ruin their wedding. Hence, you will act as if you are at your best self. You will act natural, congratulate and compliment them, but you won’t act super happy because it will look fake and forced, one of the reasons why you never made it into movies. 
5. It is the perfect time for Forgiving- Revenge mind is on your mind. You might have planned out a strategy to wear a dress/ suit to kill, look smoking hot, overshadow the bride/ groom, bring a date more handsome or beautiful than your ex, greet the nuptials in a condescending way, present them a gift which will ruin their mood for the next six months, be overly affectionate to your would not be in-laws, these and many more. But here is the bottom-line, your ex is an ex for a reason. Modern day economists say, forgiveness is important as revenge is expensive and in a world governed by untimely inflation, this mantra works fine.
   
6. The lady luck might just shine on You- Although I do not seem to remember there are numerous Bollywood movies were the two rejected lovers of the two main leads end up together. I mean, if your ex’s groom/ bride’s ex who is sexy and single comes to attend the wedding like you did then this is a completely happy ending. Or there might be guests looking for love, short term, long term depending on your preference, we never know. The wedding is one of the oldest dating sites, even before there were websites of such kind. And they say, when you do not find love, love finds you. Hence, attending your ex’s wedding is not a bad idea. Even if you do not meet someone of your taste, the food obvious will be of some help.
7.  It might help you to plan your future Wedding- Every experience is a lesson in itself which includes the wedding of your ex. The theme of the wedding which did not go along with the specific season, the wedding feast which was high on carbohydrates, a wedding venue with no washroom etc. What do you learn from all these mishaps? You should be better prepared for yours. There can never be a perfect wedding, there can be perfect wedding photo editing but never a perfect wedding. We always learn a thing or two from every wedding. And there you have a bonus!

LOVE, NAGALAND & THE TIME MACHINE

  

Atina marked her calendar, it was the first day of December. The evening looked so beautiful; she was blessed to breathe fresh air after a long time, for her Dimapur was horrible in summers, but tolerable in winters. She buttoned her blue coat which was bought five winters ago, was saddened when she noticed a button missing. In desperation she said, “If it was in a novel then the hero would have come from the back and said, excuse me, lady, I believe this is from your coat and my eyes …”

Her imaginations were back to the ground when a voice from behind exclaimed, “So, this is the Nagaland of 2017!”

She turned back to witness the most handsome creation of God. It was love at first sight.

He continued, “I am a man from the past.”

He narrated Atina the beauty of his journey. He was a genius, apparently. He built a time machine in the year 1963, the year Nagaland got her statehood, he sat on it and boom…there he was, exploring Nagaland of 2017. She easily believed in him. Well, because he was handsome, she was naive, and the writer of this story is told to finish her story in two pages. 

It reminded her of a novel which she had read years ago, a hero showing up from some centuries back, his stories successfully making the heroine fall flat for him, but she had forgotten how the story ended. For sure, he was not the man she was to fall in love for; though all the elements present that evening was good enough to create a real fantasy romance.

Mesmerized by him, all she wanted him to do was talk, a very good excuse to watch his full lips.

He said in all its possibilities things have not changed much. No doubt there were taller residential complexes, more shopping arenas, more schools and colleges and hospitals, more people, but there were certain things which were same then and now. He lamented about the condition of the roads, the poor electrification, and the load-shedding, the unavailability of pure drinking water in many areas of Nagaland, of the emerging class divide, of the dirt, the garbage and lack of civic sense and the phenomena of corruption which was not ostensible then. Further, he continued, why he was not surprised at the lack of courtesy among the Naga people even though they had acquired degrees which were impossible to attain during the 1960s because we dwell in the narrow understanding of what education is all about.  He talked about the sovereignty of the Nagas and how redundant it sounded as the unity among the Nagas were divided into numerous identities and each identity proving to be just another Pandora’s box and not an equation which needs to be solved. He took Atina’s hands, looked into her eyes and said, “I am not surprised to see women standing up for the assertion of their rights, this is a sign of political consciousness spring out from fragments of evolving society, but being vocal doesn’t always mean walking the talk. Much has been done, much has to be done…equality can come in many shades, but the supreme colour is an appropriation and that too is contested often.”

Although she was smitten, it did not stop her from stating, ‘I am not interested in politics.’

That’s when he stood up, walked an inch away and without turning his back uttered, “Some will be survivors, some will be happy with their loyal thoughts, some will use power, some will use courage and some will use all the tricks known in the books. All is fair, everything is for survival…but remember, eternal hell can be created in this lifetime too…”

He kept on walking until he disappeared in the dark shadows cast by the night of Dimapur. Atina felt trapped, but she knew an old hell was already inside her and a new hell was just coming on her way. Her love for him was just a geometric move, his thoughts about Nagaland was a morning which would come twice in a day, and she knew it.

 It reminded her of a novel which she had read years ago, a hero showing up from some centuries back, his stories successfully making the heroine fall flat for him, but she had forgotten how the story ended. For sure, he was not the man she was to fall in love for; though all the elements present that evening was good enough to create a real fantasy romance.

Mesmerized by him, all she wanted him to do was talk, a very good excuse to watch his full lips.

He said in all its possibilities things have not changed much. No doubt there were taller residential complexes, more shopping arenas, more schools and colleges and hospitals, more people, but there were certain things which were same then and now. He lamented about the condition of the roads, the poor electrification, and the load-shedding, the unavailability of pure drinking water in many areas of Nagaland, of the emerging class divide, of the dirt, the garbage and lack of civic sense and the phenomena of corruption which was not ostensible then. Further, he continued, why he was not surprised at the lack of courtesy among the Naga people even though they had acquired degrees which were impossible to attain during the 1960s because we dwell in the narrow understanding of what education is all about.  He talked about the sovereignty of the Nagas and how redundant it sounded as the unity among the Nagas were divided into numerous identities and each identity proving to be just another Pandora’s box and not an equation which needs to be solved. He took Atina’s hands, looked into her eyes and said, “I am not surprised to see women standing up for the assertion of their rights, this is a sign of political consciousness spring out from fragments of evolving society, but being vocal doesn’t always mean walking the talk. Much has been done, much has to be done…equality can come in many shades, but the supreme colour is an appropriation and that too is contested often.”

Although she was smitten, it did not stop her from stating, ‘I am not interested in politics.’

That’s when he stood up, walked an inch away and without turning his back uttered, “Some will be survivors, some will be happy with their loyal thoughts, some will use power, some will use courage and some will use all the tricks known in the books. All is fair, everything is for survival…but remember, eternal hell can be created in this lifetime too…”

He kept on walking until he disappeared in the dark shadows cast by the night of Dimapur. Atina felt trapped, but she knew an old hell was already inside her and a new hell was just coming on her way. Her love for him was just a geometric move, his thoughts about Nagaland was a morning which would come twice in a day, and she knew it.

LADY YODA PENS ROMANCE- PART ONE

There is a Greek saying, ‘those whom the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad.’ So, when their rage is over how to the gods excuse themselves? The answer is simple, one with the best handwriting comes and writes on the ceiling, ‘some are born mad, some achieve madness, some have madness written in them.’ I do not know which class I fall under, but I am enjoying this madness of mine.

I went to the city’s best psychologist. Damn, he has more problems than me. His smell was nauseating. He could not arrive at a solution. And right now what I want is the solution. Love is an economic good, it can be sold. Love is a social good, it should be accessed freely.

As a kid, I was nicknamed as Yoda. This hurt(ed) me a lot, it created an impact on me so great that even cosmos could not settle me, even if it tried. I grew up, did a research on the origination of ‘Yoda’. Got to know that Yoda’s look was inspired from Albert Einstein. The first face that comes to a person’s mind when we say ‘genius’ is Albert Einstein. Hence from that day onwards I cherished this name, I carried with me through slam books and social networks and on my wedding card too.

My love story is about war, it's about the drain, and about an exceptionally tasty fruit which has become extinct. 

"Yoda, it is not about how many women you've dated and got ditched. Loving is a rate which runs faster than a bicycle but crashes more tragically than the hijacked plane. When you see your ex-lover's present lover wearing the hoodie you gifted, it hurts, but this is called recycling, be happy. This planet is filled with phony, manipulative, selfish, cock sucking imbeciles, however, you dared to love; you are an exception though."

I have been in the midst of the loveliest crowd, I have heard songs of the best singers, I have dressed in the costliest of attire and tried the perfume which goddesses must have used to seduce the mightiest of warriors, but in all these, I could not find happiness. I have prayed to gods and to heroes for strength and wisdom but could not ease from the agony of that comes from the realization that you do not have, what you ought to have. I am just so depressed!

As a teenager, my favourite past time was cleaning the fridge. I stuffed it with foods. I am one of the few people in this world which do not believe that fridge keeps every food intact. But, I have to let go of him without missing him, I wonder how I am going to do that but I have to.

I wonder what life would have been to sit with him by a fire place and see our children draw the colorful balloons. These things and much more runs into my heart, then the thoughts of torturing him, killing him, excites me, for all I know is I loved him, and I still do...but I want to kill too.

I am depressed!

Because he cheated on me!

And that’s exactly why although it is not jealousy, sometimes it saddens me to see a couple who are too much in love, too much happy, too much connected, too much meant for each other. My experience has taught me weather and relationship are connected by the word ‘Unpredictable!’

I am sure you would be interested to know the reason why my soon to be ex-husband left me. Let me introduce her…

Whatever, let’s talk about her. She was my best friend. Her father is a rich womanizer and has a huge inflated ego, her mother is a man eater who thinks no end to herself, even after reaching her menopause, she dreams of competing with Kim Kardashian. They married, separated, then united, then separated, then united and lastly, it ended in divorce. Why am I talking about her parents? The tree and its fruits theory hold true...

Some six years ago, some body shaming misogynist insulted her on the social networking site.  I supported her, I called that person bastard, insane, and inhuman. Two years later, with all the right food, exercise, and yoga, she lost some kilos. I was the happiest human being because she felt good that way. I took her to the nearest shopping arcade, bought her a new pair of shoes, paid everything in cash and not by credit card. Once, on a sunny day she wore a sexy shirt, just to be drenched by rain, she ended looking like a caricature of some ‘B’ grade actress trying to seduce the virgin boy.

However, she is not the woman responsible for my divorce...

(To be continued...) 

A GRAMMATICALLY HATE FREE HATE

   Let me tell you a story about a man and a woman…

She was dying, he was her ex-lover,

He came to visit her with a bouquet and his wedding card,

Maybe he could not think of a better way to hurt her.

She knew him totally, his intentions, his actions,

‘Finally, the loser is going to score.’

Sarcasm was her first language.

To this, he replied, ‘too bad, you’ll be dead to see my victory,’

She gave back, ‘trust me, I ‘m going to live long enough to see you miserable, ruined and divorced.’

He smiled, ‘no way, she is not like you.’

‘Sweeter than honey, dangerous than cyanide, that’s me,’ she threw the card on the floor.

As usual, he came up with a conclusion, ‘let’s strike a deal, shall we?’

‘Oh, the same predictable you. What’s the deal?’

‘If you survive this bloody ordeal then I lose. If I survive my marriage then you lose.’

‘I will survive, deal!’ It was a thumb up from her side,

He walked away, deep down he was desperate to lose,

She smirked, deep down she was desperate to lose.

Their egos were huge but it was pendulum,

After a month, she passed away…

He never got divorced.

No!

No, he didn’t win the deal,

The truth is, he never got married,

Maybe he was determined to let her win, maybe he loved her in his own way…

I am told, he is waiting for the day to hear these words from her, ‘you bastard! You cheated. I won! I won!’

DATE THE MAN WHO LOVES POETRY

Date the man who respects poetry, 

Date the man who knows life is full of obstacles, and poetry is the creative reply to those obstacles,

Date the man who acknowledges Universe is a poem written by Space and Time,

Date the man who agrees with Mr. John Keating in Dead Poets Society when he says, “We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race, and the human race is filled with passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering- these are noble pursuits, and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love-these are what we stay alive for.”

Date the man who does not present other’s poetries as his own on the social networking sites to score chicks,

Date the man who creates songs from the poems hidden in his diary,

Date the man who knows Yehuda Amichai is not a Lebanese chicken recipe, 

Date the man who doesn’t stick only to Byron, Keats, Shelley, Blake, and Wordsworth.

Date the man who knows how to be a raging fire like Allen Ginsberg of Beat Generation and mellowed ice like Rabindranath Tagore of Bengal Renaissance,

Date the man who will be Neruda by your bedside when you are down with flu,

Date the man who doesn’t consider Sylvia Plath as an inferior poet,

Date the man who thinks Maya Angelou is magical.

Date the man who doesn’t laugh at your fondness for Lang Leav,

Date the man who is strong in his conviction that he needn’t be Rumi to appreciate woman,

Date the man who believes what Kahlil Gibran has to say about lovers,

Date the man who places the pillow on your head and reads poetry along with you.

Date the man who has newly acquired taste for black, asian, lgbt and ethnic minority poetry,

Date the man who appreciates slam poetry, the supersonic train of words,

Date the man who loves poetry, even better if you date the man who writes poetry,

*Date the man who shares this poem with you. 

HOW TO BE THE AWESOMEST BOYFRIEND EVER like ever TO LIVE ON THIS PLANET

Introduction: Sappy romantic novelists and the casting director of its movie adaptation are still alive, bloody illusionists!  I know Alzheimer sucks, Cancer sucks, but no one is aiming for Nobel Prize in Medicine here, totally understood. As a teenager, I was scammed to love The Notebook, but when the novel was adapted into a movie they chose Ryan Gosling the male version of Scarlett Johansson to essay the role of Noah Calhoun, the result? The sweet lips said to the rough ears, ‘Why can’t you be like Noah Calhoun?’ (Poor Noah from the Bible).  Ten years down the line, The Fault in Our Stars hit the theaters. Ansel Elgort was Augustus Waters, he is gorgeous, tall, has an athletic body, he is funny, he is a writer but more of a poet, a philosopher, a charmer, so charming that he charmed the lady all the way to the Anne Frank Home and kissed her ( duh!!! It is not Eiffel Tower, should have shown some respect). Genetically it is not possible to be that freaking perfect boyfriend until and unless one of your parents is a god/goddess. Never mind, you might not have the looks or the body, but if you work on your personality by reading this blog post of mine then trust me, for girls you will be the human equivalent of crocodile leather bag by Christian Dior.

1. Try to kiss her on the first date, not on the cheek but deep tongue penetration kiss, irrespective of whether your mouth stinks or not. If she disagrees then tell her even your mom was kissed by your dad on their first meeting, it is a family tradition, she should respect it.
2. Do everything in your power to sleep with her by hustling, hoodwinking, bamboozling, you name it. If she reluctant then tell her you are not like other men, the way to your heart is through your dick, not your stomach.
3. If she is really hot like way out of your league hot, but you were successful in seducing her, then try to make a short sex video for your friends to worship you. Doing so your social, economic and political value will be elevated among your peers. Who knows it might give her a career break as well.
4. Even when she cries don’t hold her, excuse yourself for not being a fan of hugs. Traditionally, weekend dates are fixed on or before Wednesday, but your highness, make sure you only give her last minute notice ~always.
5. After a big argument, whether it be your fault or not, she should be the one to apologize. After all, we argue to win, don’t we?
6. Even if she get drunk, you focus on your drink. Let her vomit carbon, let her head spin, let her handle her own karma.
7. Make fun of her friends' body size, color, and intelligence. Don’t forget to remind her how lucky she is to have you, unlike her single girlfriends. Obviously!
8. If she is a feminist and you think the only way to bang her is by pretending to be a feminist, then do so. After your mission is successful, don’t call her ever like never. She is a feminist, she is strong; she will get over it.
9. People might call it domestic violence, but beat her sometimes to show her who is the boss…who knows she might be secretly yearning for it, all thanks to her abusive father for lifting his left (hand) when her mom asked for her right.
10. Don’t forget to be a total jerk all the time. If she throws all her glossy Cosmo at you then? Here is the act, imagine yourself as the great Charlie Chaplin in The Great Dictator, look straight into her eyes, pause and say, ‘Hey girl, the books on Vampires, the Greys, the Prince so Charming would have been of no value had it not produced a needy chick like you. You so desperately believed I was the one. Hence, I presented to you the King from the Kingdom of Assholes!’

 Now hold on bro, are you really insane to follow these rules? Either you don’t  understand what I really want to say or you have a good lawyer to hold your back. Good luck both ways.  

HOW TO SURVIVE YOUR PhD YEARS

*I know Ph.D. candidates from Science streams will be like what the hell is she saying??! 

Decide to enroll in the Ph.D. program.

To reward your decision, roll a newspaper, roll it thick, hit your head with it.

Choose a topic of your choice, choose a topic which your supervisor might approve of; choose a topic which has a high market value.

Know that your supervisor is the Ultimate God, the Creator, the Protector, the Destroyer, the Judge and the Final Authority. Hence, never ever screw your relationship with your supervisor, never, never at any cost.

If your supervisor does not like the topic of your choice, then argue reasonably, but never try to outsmart her/him.

If you like your topic and your supervisor likes your topic then the Lady Academics has showered her blessing upon you. If you don’t like your topic, but your supervisor likes your topic then you can either change your supervisor (and stop reading this article from now on) or stuck to that topic, eventually, you will fall in love with that topic; like any other arrange marriage. If you like your topic, but your supervisor don’t like your topic then start reading a book titled, ‘How to live alone in this mean cold world?’

If your research involves fieldwork then gear yourself to meet snobbish academicians, rude people, and selfish weather.

If your research is purely theoretical then buy Aspirins, take care of your migraine.

If your want your Thesis to be outstanding then get your heart broken into pieces. You know there is a saying, those who are unlucky in love are lucky in rational thinking.

Invitation for international conferences/ seminars/ winter-summer schools will come not as a perk, but like a mutual investment. Thus, it is better to read the offer document carefully before investing.

With regard to weight, know that writing a Thesis has a different effect on different people. Some may notice their ass and belly becoming heavier and some may see themselves turning into dried autumn leaves. In the rarest of the case, some people’s weight remains the same.  I really doubt the quality of the thesis produced by people whose weight remained the same, no offense.

There will be marriage and job pressure because we are always surrounded by people who thinks marriage is an integral part of human life~ legal permission for procreation is a must~ we are also surrounded by people who overestimate us and people who underestimate us.

Work on your publications. Treat yourself if your paper gets accepted. If it gets rejected then think of that High School boy whose love letter is yet to get a response, you are in a better position than him.

All kinds of tensions will visit you. The ‘breathe in, breathe out’ exercise won’t help you, because? You have already donated your lung.

Apart from all these, the day you are awarded your Ph.D. degree the feeling is overwhelming. Article 18 of the Indian constitution too does not have a problem with your ‘Dr’ title. To have a prefix ‘Dr’ before your name is so powerful, provided no one had ghostwritten your Thesis.  

A REVERSED SHARING: THE GREEN ROOM DRAMA

‘Why are you not writing anything on the issue of Women Reservation in Nagaland?’ That’s the question which many people have asked me. Honestly, for me issues like this are sensitive, hence, no one will dare to open their mouth only if I support my argument with unmanipulated facts; which is possible only if I go for field work to the collect the data. But, seriously I have a Ph.D. viva to defend, three policy articles to analyze (for which I took the money, I have used the money, now I will be jailed if I don’t produce the work), and I am looking for a teaching position, busy here. The point I am making is, I am not in a position to come up with an intense, fact-laden, methodologically sound, groundbreaking, award deserving article on this issue. Hence to apologize, I did a review of what kind of extreme audience are/were present in this debate. Hope you enjoy the show!

The Ratchet Class- God man everyone equal? I doubt. Some are born to shine more than others through their ratchetness.  This class is filled with anger, so much anger,  they don’t have the time to edit their status or comment; they end up showing to the world that they have the worst grammar problem {I am not a Grammar goddess, but my thoughts are rightly conveyed}. When someone takes a stand different from theirs, then this class is ready to pick up a fight, which is purely based on the theme ‘my fragile ego is hurt’. The rowdy attitude of this class makes them the non-classiest human being alive. 

The Section Officer- This officer makes Article 371A and Nagaland Municipal Act 2001 fly. It reminds me of Rohit Shetty’s movies which give a new definition to the ‘Theory of Gravitation’. For most Nagas, Indian Polity was a subject which fetched good marks in Bachelors, memorizing the basic articles and the basic acts was a good trick. This Section Officer graduated, but the S.O’s dream of showing to the world the answer sheet where the S.O meticulously made a khichdi out of M.Laxmikanth’s (D.D.Basu, if they belong to my Uncle’s generation) Indian Polity remained unfilled, hence, this was the best opportunity the Section Officer could get and it was executed well.

The Bible Quotation Masters- We don’t know from where this master got the talent or the authority to interpret Bible verse so conveniently. Their writing goes something like this, ‘In the Bible, it is written…’ Well, in the Bible it is written, ‘to everything, there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven,’ so I guess, it is the time for them to introspect their principles and to keep their mouth shut. Manipulating a text is not a problem as long as you have an audience who hardly questions the authenticity of what you are saying (writing). The 21st Century Nagaland is dominated by smartphones, television channels, fake brands, corruption, and overly ambitious dreams,  thus, no one has the time to actually make sense of the Bible verses, everyone is being a Bible tourist and the real explorers are filled with self-doubt. You know what? Number 33 is an Occult number.

The Prostitute Theorist-Time and again, I have written that politics, religion, and prostitution are the three oldest occupations in the world. People condemn politics, but they cannot ignore it, people argue about religion, but no one can give a solid conclusion. Now comes the prostitution, one of the professions where the service provider is dishonored, but no one points a finger at the client. That’s where this theorist enters with the syllogism, ‘all women politicians are dirty; all prostitutes are dirty; therefore, all women politicians are prostitutes.’ This theorist feels so much responsible to take charge of what kind of occupation a woman should choose to keep her honour and image intact. I do not know how engaging in politics makes a woman a prostitute. Well, if this theorist is getting confused with politics and sex scandals, then I have a request, please Google search-politicians and sex scandals. Check the ratio between male politicians and female politicians who were sacked from the cabinet for sex scandals. 

The Patronizers- I know there are men who genuinely care, love and respect women. They fight for women’s rights, in the process, they are mocked by their own fellow mates for choosing to join the other camp. I thank them. However, there are men who know well how to fake, they show love, awareness, and concern, just to get pretty recognition or in the worst case, to get the attention of that super beautiful feminist. These patronizers are two kinds-

(A) Wolves in Sheep's Clothing- they are more dangerous than the misogynists. Within the close doors, they practice the system which they discard so vehemently in public. Some may call them hypocrites, but I would love to call them ‘period cramps’ because they make us alert of the coming responsibility.

(B) The Ultimate Saviours-they cannot stop bragging about how much pain they have endured, how much recognition they deserve, and how everything would have been without their leadership. Sure, let’s prefix ‘Sir’ before their names. 

The Kuch bhiz- These mammals have been in the hibernation mode for a pretty long time, mucus has filled the eyes of these mammals, hence, their visions are misty. To make the matter worse, maggot has entered their eardrums damaging their auditory senses. They keep on walking, hitting their heads on the pillar and the post. Particularly, when they hit their head on the post, they defend their shortcomings by blaming the weather, yeah, how is it even related? But luck favours them, everyone buys their argument because they are in the right club, surrounded by their kind of people. 

ON DOG: IF SOME TRIBES OF NAGALAND WERE TOLD TO WRITE A BOOK

THE AOS

Book Title-First among the Equals: Rise and Rise of an Alpha Dog

Reviewer’s comments: The book is overburdened with adjectives. Too much usage of the superlative degree has made this book a jar of bigotry. Some of the paragraphs in all the chapters should be omitted as it dwells strongly on a colonial mindset which shows nothing but supremacy.

THE SUMIS

Book Title- Show it all: A Flashy Life of a Rich Red Dog

Reviewer’s comments: The book doesn’t stick to its methodology. This is an over-ambitious project filled with vocabularies which don't even exist in a standard dictionary. The chapter titled ‘Leather Jacket’ should be dropped.

THE ANGAMIS

Book Title- Old is Gold: Tracing the Traditional, Indigenous, Nationalistic ideals of a Dog

Reviewer’s comments: This book has used so many theories which make it pretty confusing. Hence, the reviewer is still stuck in the first chapter.

THE LOTHAS

Book Title-Street Smart: How a Dog discovered the Smallest and the Most Expensive Bone!

Reviewer’s comments: Quite motivational as every chapter is 'cleverly' explained, but some paragraphs need proper referencing, or else the author might be held for plagiarizing contents.

THE CHAKHESANG

Book Title-A Dog’s Salt History

Reviewer’s comments: The author has failed to highlight the negative impact of high intake of salt on dog’s health. The publication of this book has been sponsored by Tata Salt, hence, the authenticity of this book is highly doubtful.

TRIBES FROM EASTERN NAGALAND

Book Title-Dog, Kennel and Bone: A Long Good-Bye

Reviewer’s comments: This book needs thorough proofreading, misused modifiers everywhere. The Theory of Relative Deprivation has been well argued. The author of this book has a fair chance of winning Nobel Prize in Economics if the correlation between the Dog with its kennel and bone is proven diagrammatically. 

10 SIGNS SHE IS A WITCH

1. She thinks Joan of Arc wasn’t a witch, but a political pawn under patriarchal authority. Solidarity among the witches is too strong.

2. She reads a hell lot of books. She is always ready to acquire new knowledge and knowledge is evil. Dude, she is a witch.

3. She warned you from having ice-cream, you had it, the very next day your tonsil killed you. She can predict the future, she is a witch.

4. She is opinionated and doesn’t shut her mouth if something is annoying her. Probably she is casting the spells.

5. She says she doesn’t have money to buy clothes, but always end up looking fabulous on a date. Search for her magic wand.

6. She is very close to nature…hahaha, remember the witches love to dance in the wild.

7. She likes broom over a vacuum cleaner, and you don’t believe the electricity bill excuse.

8. You tried to woo her, but your feelings were never acknowledged.  She wants to be alone forever with no love interest, you see, witches are cursed to be single, miserable and alone.

9. She is determined and really works hard to achieve what she wants. If you flip through the historical and anthropological books about witches then you will find the way they slog nights after nights cooking something on their big earthen pot with shadows of fire accompanying their chants.

10. Earlier, they were hunted and burned, now, they are jailed and treated as outcast…that’s for the literal witch. The metaphorical witches questions authority, questions traditions; questions religion; questions everything under the sun…thus, they find themselves in minority.