THE WEDDING-END OF THE AISLE, BEGINNING OF THE NEW CHAPTER

Spring, 2006

We became friends even without knowing how,

But the story of how I met her and him is better kept for another day,

Let me narrate their love story which ultimately ended in marriage,

Let’s flip the pages of my journal, I’ve some role- two or three.

It was the Winter of 2008 before leaving Delhi for Christmas,

I told him there is someone I really want him to meet; he laughed,

After the Christmas, I told the same thing to her, she laughed,

I texted her his number, I texted him her number and waited for the progress.

Things were developing between the two, I was not too unaware,

They aren’t social-network savvy, love happens offline anyway,

She didn't have a Facebook account, he wasn't active in Facebook,

And WhatsApp wasn't around,

What they did was call and text with their face unseen.

Then came the Summer of 2009, she wanted a picture of him,

He took me to a photo studio, we clicked a picture perfect,

They exchanged headshot from Delhi to Dimapur to Delhi via me,

The pictures receive their smiles, something magical was around.

Things must not have been smooth, but they sailed victoriously,

After many Summers and Winters, he asked, will you? And she said, I do.

Dated for seven years, like a dream on Winter of 2015, they married.

That’s their love story, I’ll keep it for their children to hear.

As for me, I’ll date numerous men,

I will fall in love but with one,

He won’t give me butterflies in the stomach,

Just numerous cardiac arrests and a coma.

Bro David &Amen , 2015

NEITHER ABOUT MASTRAM NOR OF SAVITA BHABHI

The writer is not embarking on a sexual journey or a coming of an age story of a man whose libido grew with the rise in sell years of Mastram and decline with the coming of Savita Bhabhi. It is simply a conversation between two characters, a man baffling in his own life crisis saga and the woman he had solid lust on, she was a bottle of finest Scotch; every man would possibly like her.

He threw the bag on the floor and sat on the dirty rug. He felt old, fat, bald and ugly. He stayed positive reminding himself that like beauty everything in the world was overrated including sex. The dialogue had to follow, so it followed.

She: I still remember the day you gifted me a packet of condom. What a birthday gift, who gives that?

He: It was not an ordinary condom, it was a super expensive condom. It produces gold dust every time it hits the skin.

She: If you had the money to buy such expensive protections then why did you make me pay all our coffee bills?

He: Making you pay our bills was just a prank.

She: Those were bad pranks but the worst prank you pulled on me was the day when I was dying to have pan masala and you gave me Viagra, I had it and it was the bitterest stuff on earth. What if I died of Viagra overdose?

He- Are you hallucinating? Stop accusing me. Anyway, want to hear a story?

She- Is it about how you were caught reading Mastram? Is it about the incestuous relationship you read or want to engage in?

He- I am not guilty, as Page-211 of Sage of Wandering Mind says, ‘Mr. Forbidden intrigues and entices me the most.’

She- I didn’t say you are criminal. I am bored.

He- You mean I am making you bored. Why don’t you tell me one today?

She- Stories?

He- Yes!

She- Okay, sure! The story begins with the death of two playboys due to Viagra overdose. One is a self-proclaimed player, nevertheless, a player and the other is a sneaky player.

He- Sad, they did not get enough time to write a playbook else they could have died as celebrated writers. Never mind, continue.

She- They meet in the gate of the Hell and greets like a polished gentleman while on earth. An angle, not hot, just a creature with wings stood high, she pronounces the sentence,

To the Self-proclaimed Player- You must be feeling lucky to have met a woman who fitted in your ideological framework. But, deep down you are a lonely person, indeed an iconic moron. Instead of investing your time and energy on a woman who could widely get wild with you on the bed, you should have invested it on the woman who could have loved your truly and deeply. After the bangs when woman drifted and started falling for you, you ran away saying she was a deal breaker.

To the Sneaky Player- You lied to every woman you wanted to bang. Through high deceit, you were able to take every woman in the bed. You pretended to be loyal and kind.  As things done in darkness had to come to light one day, hence, you were caught.  Instead of being apologetic or ashamed of your act, you blamed the woman as ‘melodramatic’ and ‘emotional’.

Time for punishment, Hell will be more of a discotheque for you so you have been elevated to a much painful place.

He- Please don’t punish them.

She- Are you feeling sorry for those playboys? Had it been whorely seductress then the thing could have been different?

He- It could have been more interesting.

She- You know what will be more interesting? Sitting on your lap.

THANKS FOR READING THIS CRAP POST! See you later…

TINTINNABULATION: MERENLA IMSONG IS RESPONSIBLE

SPECIAL FEATURE

We are humans, hence, we are subject to embarrassing situations caused by our clumsiness; often we are victims of our failed jokes, and when it gets lonely we laugh reminiscing a good-old-funny remark. Life is short, not everything goes as the way we want, and that is exactly why it is good to share the company of someone who will crack jokes to lighten the mood when things take an ugly bewildering turn. Meet Merenla Imsong the… she is the person that makes us say, ‘My tummy hurts, overeating is not the reason, though.’ I am begging her to come up with her own standup comedy show, she is great. She is an entertainer, not a comedian, she corrects me. Looks like she prefers generic over brands. Anyway, these are her replies to the questions I asked.

Now, tell all the gorgeous people how you became interested in doing what you are doing?

How did I get interested in doing all this? I can’t remember. Being nutty has always been a personality trait of mine.

Do you have a specific comedic style? Any specific influences?

You know the funny thing is, I am not really a comedian. All my jokes always fall flat (I have an inventory of the lamest pickup jokes ever invented) so I find it funny when people find me funny. Maybe I am a joke and that’s what makes me funny? Yikes!

What do you enjoy more, acting or being completely nuts or something else entirely?

I enjoy having a nice musk melon smoothie after I reach home. I also enjoy the entire process of prepping up for a play till it is finally performed on stage.

How do you react to a sexist remark camouflaged as a joke?

Depends highly on whether I am PMSing or not when the joke is told. It can range from a simple rolling of the eyes to full on Valar Morghulis mode.

What is your life’s theme song?

I don't have a theme song! Thank you for bringing this up. This is what my life has been lacking. I need to get on this. Total epiphany moment here.

Going by the stereotype comedians are usually considered as emotionally damaged people. If this stereotype is true then are you an exception?

ARE THEY???!!! Oh my goodness. I need to go reevaluate my life.

Is there a uniqueness in Naga humour?  Is their taste a bit different from the mainstream audience?

The thing about us Nagas is that we don't shy away from making fun of ourselves. We openly embrace it and no one takes offence, which is a great attitude. I think making people laugh is an inherent part of our culture, which also stems from the fact that we want others around us to be happy.

Do you have any joke for your fans, I mean as Christmas gift?

A joke? I should probably show you my bank account. That would definitely qualify as a joke.

                                                       Thank you!

Check her talent: https://www.facebook.com/Miss-Imsong-904947952910427/?fref=ts

                                   (Undisputed Winner of The Accent Challenge)

       

Fun Facts: I have known Merenla Imsong since 2008. She was indeed my successor for the crown of Miss Fresher, North Eastern Students House for Women Students Delhi. She mimics my ‘Have a nice day!’ wish very well.

Sorry to bother you but I'm trying to increase the number of followers on my blog. Hence, I'll be grateful to whoever follows.

SHE GOES FOR JOB INTERVIEW: TELL US SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR HOME STATE?

Some people have balls to openly criticize the State policies, society, customs, traditions and individuals, they do bring changes. Some people do it in a sneaky way because they do not want to be heroes, they want to be survivors, who survives long by being the joker in the pack, they too bring changes.

 

 

So here is this lady from Nagaland who went for a job interview in New Delhi. Since I  thought it is confidential, I dare not to mention her name.

Member 1: Please take your seat.

Member 2: How are you feeling? Nervous?

Ms. X: A bit coz’ the colour of my dupatta does not match the colour of my kurti.

Member 1: How do you describe yourself?

Ms.X: My English both written and spoken not well. 10+2+3 did from Open. Working hard passed. I am a happy and lucky person. Loves people, man, woman and various categories and sub categories. Promise to God, I will try my best to crack this exam. Reached here, will do my best for today.

Member 2: Tell us something about your home state?

Ms.X: Nagaland, hmm, like any other state of India is filled with one of the ‘isms’ here it is tribalism, ouch!

Education everyone complaints, government schools rejected by public, private schools popular but in matter of jobs? Government jobs number one preference.  

Unemployment blooming like wild mushrooms, and wild mushrooms are dangerous, solution is problematic to achieve as everyone wants to be a ‘sir’ and ‘madam’.

The life of the Naga working class is like a situational comedy, my parents wait for the month to end so the situation will be a comedy.

People ride, I mean rich brats drive SUV, Sedan, road, yuck, bad, muddy, specific public richer than the state government, so shitty road but awesome cars.

Water and electricity are not a problem, because…em…we have to know these things well to miss it, to become a problem.

Hygiene of a hospital is known by its toilets, private hospital toilet okay, government hospital toilet please mention not.

And you know what? Dimapur the biggest commercial hub of the state is so dirty and dusty, I know clean hearted people from there but the city so not clean.

It is a dry state, wait a minute, try state. Alcohol problem rampant. Moral policing not a solution. 

Counterfeit stuffs are also sold, fake, fake designer maal, sorry, items. Everyone is not ‘haves’ here, so second hand market comes to rescue, women wear mix and match.

Election time church members become over restless, hallelujah, Father God praying types…(pause) I no problem having with them as long as they attend the needs of the poor and broken.

I want to laugh, Can’t I laugh? I am controlling… won’t it be funny if they are charged of corruption, it will be like pure, clean biggest institutionalized corruption.

Pork with bamboo is a lovely popular dish, but not so popular now a days coz’ BP problem shooting high. King chilli, raja mirchi, hottest chilly in the world is grown in Nagaland, people love it, some have gastric problem but they still eat it like happy mongoose.

Illegal taxation rampant coz’ the reverse version of Robin Hoods do not know accountability and accountancy… thus… it ends up looking like exploitation.

I read Pride and Prejudice in my syllabus, nice novel, can see the same match making scheme happening, very much calculated weddings happening, rich marries rich and becomes richer, simple multiplication.

The English of the youth have very much improved thanks to cable networks, half credit to schools. Some have fake accent, no problem, swagging in fashion no, American vs. British accent, American wins when Sherlock Holmes series not in season. 

Member 3 (Lady Member): What’s the level of corruption in Nagaland?

Ms.X: The corruption level of Nagaland the state is directly proportional to the female boner I get when the sexy smile of Jesse Eisenberg creeps into my mind, it just goes on rising…he…he…he…

Member 4: Doner?

Ms.X: Sir, I said Boner!

Member 3 (Lady Member): In certain field her vocabulary is rich. Sarcasm 

Ms.X: Madam, Sir, I want to add something.

Member 3 (Lady Member): Sure, go ahead.

Ms.X: I said so much about my home state, I feeling negative picture I must have presented, I am no tourism promoter so I was honest. However, that’s not the end. What we have is aspiration, aspiration to change for better if required. Although we have indigenous knowledge to preserve food items, we know when to throw the stale foods, so moral is, we know when too much gets too much. And I believe in the lyrics of the song which goes…the future’s in the air, I can feel it everywhere blowing with the wind of change.

Member 2: Wonderful song, reminds me of my college days.

Member 4: Yeah, oops! We were carried away. But we are back.

Member 1: Thank you Ms.X, your interview is over. It was nice interviewing you. 

Ms.X: Is it time for me to move out of this room? I think so. Thank you all.

 

I am perfectly clueless whether she was selected for the job or not. If this is a motivational story then I bet she was. But let’s zoom to see the larger picture, for the truth is, it is not about a woman trying her best to convince the interview board that she is perfect for the job. Then what is this about?

 

To the readers from Nagaland: We all know the condition of Nagaland. I highlighted, more like revision. It is a big game of chess and we are pawns, the problem is we do not know under whose manipulative skills we are playing and most importantly we do not know against whom we are playing. Anyway, I am not going to change anything. If there are seminars, conferences, talks for better Nagaland then I will be interested to attend provided there is free lunch and dinner.

To the readers who are not from Nagaland: How well do you know your home state? I am sure it is not perfect. Why don’t you tell something about it?