HOW TO BE THE AWESOMEST BOYFRIEND EVER like ever TO LIVE ON THIS PLANET
Introduction: Sappy romantic novelists and the casting director of its movie adaptation are still alive, bloody illusionists! I know Alzheimer sucks, Cancer sucks, but no one is aiming for Nobel Prize in Medicine here, totally understood. As a teenager, I was scammed to love The Notebook, but when the novel was adapted into a movie they chose Ryan Gosling the male version of Scarlett Johansson to essay the role of Noah Calhoun, the result? The sweet lips said to the rough ears, ‘Why can’t you be like Noah Calhoun?’ (Poor Noah from the Bible). Ten years down the line, The Fault in Our Stars hit the theaters. Ansel Elgort was Augustus Waters, he is gorgeous, tall, has an athletic body, he is funny, he is a writer but more of a poet, a philosopher, a charmer, so charming that he charmed the lady all the way to the Anne Frank Home and kissed her ( duh!!! It is not Eiffel Tower, should have shown some respect). Genetically it is not possible to be that freaking perfect boyfriend until and unless one of your parents is a god/goddess. Never mind, you might not have the looks or the body, but if you work on your personality by reading this blog post of mine then trust me, for girls you will be the human equivalent of crocodile leather bag by Christian Dior.
- Try to kiss her on the first date, not on the cheek but deep tongue penetration kiss, irrespective of whether your mouth stinks or not. If she disagrees then tell her even your mom was kissed by your dad on their first meeting, it is a family tradition, she should respect it.
- Do everything in your power to sleep with her by hustling, hoodwinking, bamboozling, you name it. If she reluctant then tell her you are not like other men, the way to your heart is through your dick, not your stomach.
- If she is really hot like way out of your league hot, but you were successful in seducing her, then try to make a short sex video for your friends to worship you. Doing so your social, economic and political value will be elevated among your peers. Who knows it might give her a career break as well.
- Even when she cries don’t hold her, excuse yourself for not being a fan of hugs. Traditionally, weekend dates are fixed on or before Wednesday, but your highness, make sure you only give her last minute notice ~always.
- After a big argument, whether it be your fault or not, she should be the one to apologize. After all, we argue to win, don’t we?
- Even if she get drunk, you focus on your drink. Let her vomit carbon, let her head spin, let her handle her own karma.
- Make fun of her friends' body size, color, and intelligence. Don’t forget to remind her how lucky she is to have you, unlike her single girlfriends. Obviously!
- If she is a feminist and you think the only way to bang her is by pretending to be a feminist, then do so. After your mission is successful, don’t call her ever like never. She is a feminist, she is strong; she will get over it.
- People might call it domestic violence, but beat her sometimes to show her who is the boss…who knows she might be secretly yearning for it, all thanks to her abusive father for lifting his left (hand) when her mom asked for her right.
- Don’t forget to be a total jerk all the time. If she throws all her glossy Cosmo at you then? Here is the act, imagine yourself as the great Charlie Chaplin in The Great Dictator, look straight into her eyes, pause and say, ‘Hey girl, the books on Vampires, the Greys, the Prince so Charming would have been of no value had it not produced a needy chick like you. You so desperately believed I was the one. Hence, I presented to you the King from the Kingdom of Assholes!’
Now hold on bro, are you really insane to follow these rules? Either you don’t understand what I really want to say or you have a good lawyer to hold your back. Good luck both ways.