NOT ON FACEBOOK ANYMORE: my top statuses from 2013-2017

 PART TWO

In the year 2015, 2016 & 2017 these were my top Facebook statuses

2015

LOVE IS NOT LOVE WHICH ALTERS WHEN IT ALTERATION FINDS!

Mister, I am in love with you. I am aware of the refugee crisis, I know the price of onion has jumped up in India, I know that US presidential election is next year; I know that a friend of mine is planning to settle down. There are many atheists is the world and secularism gives us the liberty to enjoy all the holidays a religion can bring. I know that people invest money to lose weight and pregnancy pills are not that effective. There is global warming, pollution and ailments. I know there are rampant extra marital affairs and monogamy is expensive than divorce. I know these and many more… So what was I saying? Oh, yeah, I am in love with you.

 

When two upcoming writers part-ways aka breakup this is what one party has to say-

“He thinks he is a writer, that too a writer of 1920s era. His whole persona is ‘writer’. But his writing — I mean, I’m no great writer myself, but it is f*** terrible. I can tolerate the most boring, cliché, and regular love-y dove-y shit but I puke half a kilo of world’s rotten tomatoes whenever I read his wrinkle in the underwear kind of writing, camouflaged, baked, wrapped and sealed under the brand of ‘political-satire’. And every time he writes a new blog post, he puts it on his Facebook. And what make it worse is he gets like 5-10 likes from all his friends and alleged girlfriends on it, like they were all on a free distribution queue! He thinks he is too intelligent, a certified bookworm but let me tell you, he is the dumbest braggist, he thinks Nicaragua is in Africa, lol, it is in Central America. And someone please go and tell him that UN does not have a capital, but Headquarter.”

P.S. I have never dated a writer so it does not concern anyone; it is just a figment of my imagination. But I already feel sorry for the man who will date and break up with me.

 

In an attempt to kick the wall, and not being falsely accused of ‘gender-biasness’, I bring the male version of ‘When two upcoming writers part-ways aka breakup this is what one party has to say’ Part 2

“She thinks she is a writer, that too a ‘feminist’ writer. But she does not know A about feminism- she said ‘Second Sex’ is an award winning record by Enrique Iglesias, what crap! If I comment on her weight she accuses me for making sexist remarks, and if she mocks at my short height, which she does six days a week, then it is healthy criticism. She bitches about all the women, especially those who are beautiful, and every second woman is more beautiful than her, so she is like a 24 x7 channel which telecasts beauty pageant and bitching together. Instead of respecting the decision of ‘unmarried woman’, she calls them ‘f*** retard’. For her smart women are big time show-offs. She once said that billionaires are the greatest gift to women. She has so much of hots for European man specifically from eastern part that any man with tonsil problem can call her up, talk, and she will faint at that accent which she cannot even understand. And someone please go and tell her that I thank her for the nights when she made me sleep in the lawn, it was like revisiting my Boy Scout days.’

2016

She made him fall in love all over again

He promised himself never to fall in love again, but she was like the finger inside the butt of an old man having a hard time shitting. And we all know how it feels, we all have been there, the tip is the most painful, but once we gently pull out the finger, the shit comes out like a hurricane, then we are at ease and our stomach is all set for another meal. He was stubborn, but she was the cure to his stubbornness. 

 

AS THE CLOCK STRUCK

3.00 am- On my mind, too early to greet you, ‘Good morning!’

6.00 am- On my mind, not a good time to ask, ‘Are you still on the bed?’

9.00 am- On my mind, have you put on your seatbelt?

12 pm- On my mind, is your lunch nutritious?

15.00 pm- On my mind, don’t you feel like taking a siesta?

18.00 pm- On my mind, I am home, are you stuck in the traffic?

21.00 pm- On my mind, the dinner was great, how was yours?

00.00 am- On my mind, I have just finished reading a nice book. Are you still working? Is your coffee still warm? Why don’t you take rest?

00.05 am- On my mind, good night!

*I am too shy to say it loud, but I do care.

 2017

Pointicles to Myself on My Birthday!

      You are getting old, but how does it matter. A gold is a gold irrespective of age.

     You are not the most beautiful woman in this world, you are number second, so stay humble.

     Let your hunger and thirst for knowledge never run out. Even if you win Noble Prize under one of the three categories- Literature, Economics and Peace, remember you have so much to learn. Yeah, Noble Prize is highly political anyway, nothing to do with your brains.

     Be kind to everyone, even your enemies. Enemies because they will inspire you in sketching the characters of the antagonists in your novels.

    When friends get married, don’t be worried. They have found their soul mate for themselves, you haven’t, and that’s enough of a good reason for them to be married.

    Don’t burst your head thinking about employment, remember, you have a backup plan ready? The plan is- to be the keynote speaker in seminars/ conferences/ workshops under the theme, ‘How to Love and Reloved: Recycling Love in 21^st Century AD.’ Gosh! You’ll have a PhD, people will take you seriously.

     Your family is your greatest support system; don’t ever bring mighty undetectable virus to crash it down.

     Bloodline does not always define who your family is, hence, treat your friends with love and loyalty, but trust only few, remember Brutus and Caesar.

     You are not a bad person, and that’s exactly the reason why SBI has been wishing you on your birthday for the last five years.

     Always be thankful for what you have. There are people in this world who does not have water to drink, food to eat, roof to sleep under or is breathing their last breath.

     Pray and stay happy!

UNTITLED

1. Why I don’t believe in the bullshit called couple’s sun sign compatibility?

I am a Gemini woman, Libra men are supposed to be the best match for me. Once, this Libra man made a super sexist remark, he had to run in his boxer shorts because I chased him half the Lodi road with broken bottle in my hand.

 

2. Some women take their husband’s surname (Demi Moore).

Some women keep two surnames (Aishwarya Rai Bachchan).

Some women goes on using her surname even after marriage (Ellen DeGeneres).