PART ONE
In the
year 2013 &2014, these were my top Facebook statuses
To the Lucky Ones: Valentine’s Day Special
As the
festive season does the swing, write a little note of endearment; show it to
the one you love then see the reaction. If critical-know where you are heading.
If indifferent- know whom you have chosen. If over sentimental-know whom you
have to handle. If brutally honest-know whom you have to bear. If you get a compliment-
know how to take it, with kisses and hugs. But, if the words in the note turns into a song, then remember in some corner of the world a woman is damn envious
of you, and that woman is me.
P.S:
You don’t need a Rock Star to make you feel lucky.
When that spark is not for you
You
know how my Dad got my Mom? By impressing her with his witty cuts and sharp
humour- a talent I have so loyally inherited. But, these days, men are more
into cutting wrists (worse case is slitting throats) with sharp tools. Is it
really necessary to be with the person we love, to have and to hold? I have my
own share of unrequited love, I feel sad, but guess what? When I see him with
the person he loves the most and with whom he knows he will be forever happy, I
feel happy too. And, in that moment of realisation I give him away with pure
sisterly love. Obviously, if he cannot be my saiyan then at least he can be my
bhaiya.
4 DATING RULES OF MINE
Never go
out with someone chosen by my mother, she does not know anything about sex
appeal. My father has a good choice though.
Never go
out with someone chosen by my female friends. If that man was 'out of the world good' then they should have kept him for themselves. No doubt they are good and
generous but obviously they are not Mother Teresa.
Never go
out with someone chosen by my male friends. Apart from some light bromance, they
tend to be easy on their friend. I mean, if I say, “He stinks!” Then the reply
will be, “But he is a good man.”
Never go out with someone suggested by my relatives. I
was so mean to them; they might just take revenge on me by choosing the wrong
guy for me.
P.S: Point no 2, 3, 4 can be taken in good humour but
I am serious about Point No.1
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- For a decade, I was trained how to sit while wearing a skirt, although none of it were freaking short. However, with the introduction of boxer shorts, guys too need a lesson in the ‘art of sitting’. Some weeks ago @ 10 am, with a hairdo like a morning monster, I went to dhaba for breakfast. A lad of no more than 25 years was having his tea; totally unaware that the caricature of angry bird was being exhibited by his parted legs. The only thing I wanted that hour was my grandpa’s slingshot.
- I like
the thing called X-factor. It makes me look at the person who is wearing a
simple white T-shirt than the one who is using Apple gadgets.
2014
ARAY YAAR, HEIGHTS!
What’s wrong with my fantastically romantically caring friends? If I go to Chandigarh they are like, “Met any hunks?” if I go to Dehra Dun, “Met any hunks?” and when I am in Kolkata still the same question, “Met any hunks?”
Friends, my research is not on “Debating which Capital City of India has the highest population of hunks.” Phew!
MARRIAGE PROPOSAL OF THE YEAR
A guy whose profile picture is of Dev Anand, I won’t be mentioning his name for propriety sake, inbox me these lines,
Miss Longkumer, I am a great fan of yours. I love your writing so much that I want to marry you. After marriage you don’t have to do any conventional role of a wife. I will cook, cleaning and washing too is my duty. You just have to write and write, as I know writing is your passion. I hope you will consider my proposal.
I replied, ‘Hi handsome, I don’t mind marrying you. Since your name and profile picture does not suggest that you are a Jewish Banker so straight away let’s talk about your salary and the size of your house. If your house is far from the noise of the city, full of greens and blues and if you earn more than 5 lakhs per month after reduction of taxes, then, yes I will be willing to wear the diamond ring which I believe will be the size of Taj Mahal.’
Two months has gone but I have not got any reply from him. Guess he is planning to rob a bank.
JUST A PAVILION
In absolute modesty and honesty, all I wanted was a man who brings a cup of coffee while I am typing and who surprises me with his tender glance every time I wake up, of course with book in his hand<books like Development as Freedom, A Short History of Time and my very own Magic Quill etc, not pornographic magazine, okay>. But listen to this, in my whole years of cordial existence the only person who brought coffee for me was my family’s aged helper< every time I requested for coffee he reacted as if I have ordered him to build a pyramid. Anyway, the mug smelt of onion, effect of cheap dishwashing liquid>. And the only person who looked at me with glance, warning glance, was my mother, shouting, “Wake up! A lazy woman is a ticket to nowhere.”
*Guys, after reading this if you gift me a coffee-maker then you did not understand the status at all, nonetheless you are a genius*
MENTAL ATTITUDE
Case 1: 434, 123, 535, 103, 832, 993
What do they have in common?
They all have 3 in them.
Now,
Case 2: 234, 567, 999, 089, 765, 494
What do they have in common?
None of them have 1 in it.
Case 1 was easier than Case 2, which means it is easier to pick the presence then the absence, and if I have to interpret then I could love to interpret this way, absence makes the heart go fonder but in the process do not vanish yourself that your absence is not acknowledged at all.
THEORY OF CROSS-CONNECTION: Cosmic distortion
Remember the landline times? It was partly fun- partly annoying to get cross-connections hai na. Sometimes it happens in life too, you want to convey a message to someone and it get delivered to the least deserving recipient, the target is somewhere but the arrow hits somewhere else. Boys, in school days how did you feel when you aimed and threw a chana at a girl but due to cosmic distortion it poked the girl next to her who with her thick unbranded out of fashion reading glasses smiled at you with braces cheering your bravery? I grew up too and as single non-dating researcher, I got a tiny crush on someone but that someone has a friend aka his bodyguard who thinks I have hots for him. For my crush I usually give away my smile but my smiles are heavily returned by the wrong number. If Shakespeare was alive then with all his Elizabethan formula could have loved this cosmic distortion. Anyway, before hanging up the cross-connection, we say, ‘Sorry, wrong number,’ so in my case I better say, ‘Oye, side hero, you are cool but I like your friend’s andaz more.’
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1. Shrill!
Blood of the victims,
Sweat of the poor,
Tears of the neglected,
Pee of the miserable haves,
Does anyone even care that this world has a pathetic drainage system, so something has to be done for the excessive metaphorical liquid pouring out from the paradoxical jars?
2.Though you are far,
But, the more I breathe,
The more I find you near me
The more I find you near me,
The more I become pregnant with inspiration.
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