DATE THE MAN WHO LOVES POETRY

Date the man who respects poetry, 

Date the man who knows life is full of obstacles, and poetry is the creative reply to those obstacles,

Date the man who acknowledges Universe is a poem written by Space and Time,

Date the man who agrees with Mr. John Keating in Dead Poets Society when he says, “We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race, and the human race is filled with passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering- these are noble pursuits, and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love-these are what we stay alive for.”

Date the man who does not present other’s poetries as his own on the social networking sites to score chicks,

Date the man who creates songs from the poems hidden in his diary,

Date the man who knows Yehuda Amichai is not a Lebanese chicken recipe, 

Date the man who doesn’t stick only to Byron, Keats, Shelley, Blake, and Wordsworth.

Date the man who knows how to be a raging fire like Allen Ginsberg of Beat Generation and mellowed ice like Rabindranath Tagore of Bengal Renaissance,

Date the man who will be Neruda by your bedside when you are down with flu,

Date the man who doesn’t consider Sylvia Plath as an inferior poet,

Date the man who thinks Maya Angelou is magical.

Date the man who doesn’t laugh at your fondness for Lang Leav,

Date the man who is strong in his conviction that he needn’t be Rumi to appreciate woman,

Date the man who believes what Kahlil Gibran has to say about lovers,

Date the man who places the pillow on your head and reads poetry along with you.

Date the man who has newly acquired taste for black, asian, lgbt and ethnic minority poetry,

Date the man who appreciates slam poetry, the supersonic train of words,

Date the man who loves poetry, even better if you date the man who writes poetry,

*Date the man who shares this poem with you. 

HOW TO BE THE AWESOMEST BOYFRIEND EVER like ever TO LIVE ON THIS PLANET

Introduction: Sappy romantic novelists and the casting director of its movie adaptation are still alive, bloody illusionists!  I know Alzheimer sucks, Cancer sucks, but no one is aiming for Nobel Prize in Medicine here, totally understood. As a teenager, I was scammed to love The Notebook, but when the novel was adapted into a movie they chose Ryan Gosling the male version of Scarlett Johansson to essay the role of Noah Calhoun, the result? The sweet lips said to the rough ears, ‘Why can’t you be like Noah Calhoun?’ (Poor Noah from the Bible).  Ten years down the line, The Fault in Our Stars hit the theaters. Ansel Elgort was Augustus Waters, he is gorgeous, tall, has an athletic body, he is funny, he is a writer but more of a poet, a philosopher, a charmer, so charming that he charmed the lady all the way to the Anne Frank Home and kissed her ( duh!!! It is not Eiffel Tower, should have shown some respect). Genetically it is not possible to be that freaking perfect boyfriend until and unless one of your parents is a god/goddess. Never mind, you might not have the looks or the body, but if you work on your personality by reading this blog post of mine then trust me, for girls you will be the human equivalent of crocodile leather bag by Christian Dior.

1. Try to kiss her on the first date, not on the cheek but deep tongue penetration kiss, irrespective of whether your mouth stinks or not. If she disagrees then tell her even your mom was kissed by your dad on their first meeting, it is a family tradition, she should respect it.
2. Do everything in your power to sleep with her by hustling, hoodwinking, bamboozling, you name it. If she reluctant then tell her you are not like other men, the way to your heart is through your dick, not your stomach.
3. If she is really hot like way out of your league hot, but you were successful in seducing her, then try to make a short sex video for your friends to worship you. Doing so your social, economic and political value will be elevated among your peers. Who knows it might give her a career break as well.
4. Even when she cries don’t hold her, excuse yourself for not being a fan of hugs. Traditionally, weekend dates are fixed on or before Wednesday, but your highness, make sure you only give her last minute notice ~always.
5. After a big argument, whether it be your fault or not, she should be the one to apologize. After all, we argue to win, don’t we?
6. Even if she get drunk, you focus on your drink. Let her vomit carbon, let her head spin, let her handle her own karma.
7. Make fun of her friends' body size, color, and intelligence. Don’t forget to remind her how lucky she is to have you, unlike her single girlfriends. Obviously!
8. If she is a feminist and you think the only way to bang her is by pretending to be a feminist, then do so. After your mission is successful, don’t call her ever like never. She is a feminist, she is strong; she will get over it.
9. People might call it domestic violence, but beat her sometimes to show her who is the boss…who knows she might be secretly yearning for it, all thanks to her abusive father for lifting his left (hand) when her mom asked for her right.
10. Don’t forget to be a total jerk all the time. If she throws all her glossy Cosmo at you then? Here is the act, imagine yourself as the great Charlie Chaplin in The Great Dictator, look straight into her eyes, pause and say, ‘Hey girl, the books on Vampires, the Greys, the Prince so Charming would have been of no value had it not produced a needy chick like you. You so desperately believed I was the one. Hence, I presented to you the King from the Kingdom of Assholes!’

 Now hold on bro, are you really insane to follow these rules? Either you don’t  understand what I really want to say or you have a good lawyer to hold your back. Good luck both ways.  

HOW TO SURVIVE YOUR PhD YEARS

*I know Ph.D. candidates from Science streams will be like what the hell is she saying??! 

Decide to enroll in the Ph.D. program.

To reward your decision, roll a newspaper, roll it thick, hit your head with it.

Choose a topic of your choice, choose a topic which your supervisor might approve of; choose a topic which has a high market value.

Know that your supervisor is the Ultimate God, the Creator, the Protector, the Destroyer, the Judge and the Final Authority. Hence, never ever screw your relationship with your supervisor, never, never at any cost.

If your supervisor does not like the topic of your choice, then argue reasonably, but never try to outsmart her/him.

If you like your topic and your supervisor likes your topic then the Lady Academics has showered her blessing upon you. If you don’t like your topic, but your supervisor likes your topic then you can either change your supervisor (and stop reading this article from now on) or stuck to that topic, eventually, you will fall in love with that topic; like any other arrange marriage. If you like your topic, but your supervisor don’t like your topic then start reading a book titled, ‘How to live alone in this mean cold world?’

If your research involves fieldwork then gear yourself to meet snobbish academicians, rude people, and selfish weather.

If your research is purely theoretical then buy Aspirins, take care of your migraine.

If your want your Thesis to be outstanding then get your heart broken into pieces. You know there is a saying, those who are unlucky in love are lucky in rational thinking.

Invitation for international conferences/ seminars/ winter-summer schools will come not as a perk, but like a mutual investment. Thus, it is better to read the offer document carefully before investing.

With regard to weight, know that writing a Thesis has a different effect on different people. Some may notice their ass and belly becoming heavier and some may see themselves turning into dried autumn leaves. In the rarest of the case, some people’s weight remains the same.  I really doubt the quality of the thesis produced by people whose weight remained the same, no offense.

There will be marriage and job pressure because we are always surrounded by people who thinks marriage is an integral part of human life~ legal permission for procreation is a must~ we are also surrounded by people who overestimate us and people who underestimate us.

Work on your publications. Treat yourself if your paper gets accepted. If it gets rejected then think of that High School boy whose love letter is yet to get a response, you are in a better position than him.

All kinds of tensions will visit you. The ‘breathe in, breathe out’ exercise won’t help you, because? You have already donated your lung.

Apart from all these, the day you are awarded your Ph.D. degree the feeling is overwhelming. Article 18 of the Indian constitution too does not have a problem with your ‘Dr’ title. To have a prefix ‘Dr’ before your name is so powerful, provided no one had ghostwritten your Thesis.