HOW TO SURVIVE YOUR PhD YEARS

*I know Ph.D. candidates from Science streams will be like what the hell is she saying??! 

Decide to enroll in the Ph.D. program.

To reward your decision, roll a newspaper, roll it thick, hit your head with it.

Choose a topic of your choice, choose a topic which your supervisor might approve of; choose a topic which has a high market value.

Know that your supervisor is the Ultimate God, the Creator, the Protector, the Destroyer, the Judge and the Final Authority. Hence, never ever screw your relationship with your supervisor, never, never at any cost.

If your supervisor does not like the topic of your choice, then argue reasonably, but never try to outsmart her/him.

If you like your topic and your supervisor likes your topic then the Lady Academics has showered her blessing upon you. If you don’t like your topic, but your supervisor likes your topic then you can either change your supervisor (and stop reading this article from now on) or stuck to that topic, eventually, you will fall in love with that topic; like any other arrange marriage. If you like your topic, but your supervisor don’t like your topic then start reading a book titled, ‘How to live alone in this mean cold world?’

If your research involves fieldwork then gear yourself to meet snobbish academicians, rude people, and selfish weather.

If your research is purely theoretical then buy Aspirins, take care of your migraine.

If your want your Thesis to be outstanding then get your heart broken into pieces. You know there is a saying, those who are unlucky in love are lucky in rational thinking.

Invitation for international conferences/ seminars/ winter-summer schools will come not as a perk, but like a mutual investment. Thus, it is better to read the offer document carefully before investing.

With regard to weight, know that writing a Thesis has a different effect on different people. Some may notice their ass and belly becoming heavier and some may see themselves turning into dried autumn leaves. In the rarest of the case, some people’s weight remains the same.  I really doubt the quality of the thesis produced by people whose weight remained the same, no offense.

There will be marriage and job pressure because we are always surrounded by people who thinks marriage is an integral part of human life~ legal permission for procreation is a must~ we are also surrounded by people who overestimate us and people who underestimate us.

Work on your publications. Treat yourself if your paper gets accepted. If it gets rejected then think of that High School boy whose love letter is yet to get a response, you are in a better position than him.

All kinds of tensions will visit you. The ‘breathe in, breathe out’ exercise won’t help you, because? You have already donated your lung.

Apart from all these, the day you are awarded your Ph.D. degree the feeling is overwhelming. Article 18 of the Indian constitution too does not have a problem with your ‘Dr’ title. To have a prefix ‘Dr’ before your name is so powerful, provided no one had ghostwritten your Thesis.  

A REVERSED SHARING: THE GREEN ROOM DRAMA

‘Why are you not writing anything on the issue of Women Reservation in Nagaland?’ That’s the question which many people have asked me. Honestly, for me issues like this are sensitive, hence, no one will dare to open their mouth only if I support my argument with unmanipulated facts; which is possible only if I go for field work to the collect the data. But, seriously I have a Ph.D. viva to defend, three policy articles to analyze (for which I took the money, I have used the money, now I will be jailed if I don’t produce the work), and I am looking for a teaching position, busy here. The point I am making is, I am not in a position to come up with an intense, fact-laden, methodologically sound, groundbreaking, award deserving article on this issue. Hence to apologize, I did a review of what kind of extreme audience are/were present in this debate. Hope you enjoy the show!

The Ratchet Class- God man everyone equal? I doubt. Some are born to shine more than others through their ratchetness.  This class is filled with anger, so much anger,  they don’t have the time to edit their status or comment; they end up showing to the world that they have the worst grammar problem {I am not a Grammar goddess, but my thoughts are rightly conveyed}. When someone takes a stand different from theirs, then this class is ready to pick up a fight, which is purely based on the theme ‘my fragile ego is hurt’. The rowdy attitude of this class makes them the non-classiest human being alive. 

The Section Officer- This officer makes Article 371A and Nagaland Municipal Act 2001 fly. It reminds me of Rohit Shetty’s movies which give a new definition to the ‘Theory of Gravitation’. For most Nagas, Indian Polity was a subject which fetched good marks in Bachelors, memorizing the basic articles and the basic acts was a good trick. This Section Officer graduated, but the S.O’s dream of showing to the world the answer sheet where the S.O meticulously made a khichdi out of M.Laxmikanth’s (D.D.Basu, if they belong to my Uncle’s generation) Indian Polity remained unfilled, hence, this was the best opportunity the Section Officer could get and it was executed well.

The Bible Quotation Masters- We don’t know from where this master got the talent or the authority to interpret Bible verse so conveniently. Their writing goes something like this, ‘In the Bible, it is written…’ Well, in the Bible it is written, ‘to everything, there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven,’ so I guess, it is the time for them to introspect their principles and to keep their mouth shut. Manipulating a text is not a problem as long as you have an audience who hardly questions the authenticity of what you are saying (writing). The 21st Century Nagaland is dominated by smartphones, television channels, fake brands, corruption, and overly ambitious dreams,  thus, no one has the time to actually make sense of the Bible verses, everyone is being a Bible tourist and the real explorers are filled with self-doubt. You know what? Number 33 is an Occult number.

The Prostitute Theorist-Time and again, I have written that politics, religion, and prostitution are the three oldest occupations in the world. People condemn politics, but they cannot ignore it, people argue about religion, but no one can give a solid conclusion. Now comes the prostitution, one of the professions where the service provider is dishonored, but no one points a finger at the client. That’s where this theorist enters with the syllogism, ‘all women politicians are dirty; all prostitutes are dirty; therefore, all women politicians are prostitutes.’ This theorist feels so much responsible to take charge of what kind of occupation a woman should choose to keep her honour and image intact. I do not know how engaging in politics makes a woman a prostitute. Well, if this theorist is getting confused with politics and sex scandals, then I have a request, please Google search-politicians and sex scandals. Check the ratio between male politicians and female politicians who were sacked from the cabinet for sex scandals. 

The Patronizers- I know there are men who genuinely care, love and respect women. They fight for women’s rights, in the process, they are mocked by their own fellow mates for choosing to join the other camp. I thank them. However, there are men who know well how to fake, they show love, awareness, and concern, just to get pretty recognition or in the worst case, to get the attention of that super beautiful feminist. These patronizers are two kinds-

(A) Wolves in Sheep's Clothing- they are more dangerous than the misogynists. Within the close doors, they practice the system which they discard so vehemently in public. Some may call them hypocrites, but I would love to call them ‘period cramps’ because they make us alert of the coming responsibility.

(B) The Ultimate Saviours-they cannot stop bragging about how much pain they have endured, how much recognition they deserve, and how everything would have been without their leadership. Sure, let’s prefix ‘Sir’ before their names. 

The Kuch bhiz- These mammals have been in the hibernation mode for a pretty long time, mucus has filled the eyes of these mammals, hence, their visions are misty. To make the matter worse, maggot has entered their eardrums damaging their auditory senses. They keep on walking, hitting their heads on the pillar and the post. Particularly, when they hit their head on the post, they defend their shortcomings by blaming the weather, yeah, how is it even related? But luck favours them, everyone buys their argument because they are in the right club, surrounded by their kind of people. 

ON DOG: IF SOME TRIBES OF NAGALAND WERE TOLD TO WRITE A BOOK

THE AOS

Book Title-First among the Equals: Rise and Rise of an Alpha Dog

Reviewer’s comments: The book is overburdened with adjectives. Too much usage of the superlative degree has made this book a jar of bigotry. Some of the paragraphs in all the chapters should be omitted as it dwells strongly on a colonial mindset which shows nothing but supremacy.

THE SUMIS

Book Title- Show it all: A Flashy Life of a Rich Red Dog

Reviewer’s comments: The book doesn’t stick to its methodology. This is an over-ambitious project filled with vocabularies which don't even exist in a standard dictionary. The chapter titled ‘Leather Jacket’ should be dropped.

THE ANGAMIS

Book Title- Old is Gold: Tracing the Traditional, Indigenous, Nationalistic ideals of a Dog

Reviewer’s comments: This book has used so many theories which make it pretty confusing. Hence, the reviewer is still stuck in the first chapter.

THE LOTHAS

Book Title-Street Smart: How a Dog discovered the Smallest and the Most Expensive Bone!

Reviewer’s comments: Quite motivational as every chapter is 'cleverly' explained, but some paragraphs need proper referencing, or else the author might be held for plagiarizing contents.

THE CHAKHESANG

Book Title-A Dog’s Salt History

Reviewer’s comments: The author has failed to highlight the negative impact of high intake of salt on dog’s health. The publication of this book has been sponsored by Tata Salt, hence, the authenticity of this book is highly doubtful.

TRIBES FROM EASTERN NAGALAND

Book Title-Dog, Kennel and Bone: A Long Good-Bye

Reviewer’s comments: This book needs thorough proofreading, misused modifiers everywhere. The Theory of Relative Deprivation has been well argued. The author of this book has a fair chance of winning Nobel Prize in Economics if the correlation between the Dog with its kennel and bone is proven diagrammatically.