THE YEAR THAT WAS 2016: THE ROMANTIC VERSION

                                       

There are three types of people in this world whose humour are- 1) we are all mad here, let’s laugh together, 2) he is madder than me, she is less mad than me, I laugh, 3) I am not mad, but you call me mad, I’ll sue you and you’ll become poor, I’ll laugh at your bankruptcy. No matter which category you fall under, a bit of humour and wit to appreciate sarcasm can make someone prevent from catching asshole arrest syndrome.

The January-My year began with a man blackmailing to kill himself slowly by turning into an alcoholic if I did not go on a date with him. The citizen’s duty to me made me ask which drink would poison him. He replied, beer! I told him to carry on with his plan.

The February-Valentine’s Day sucked as usual. I got Swarovski earrings from an unemployed guy. Nothing serious happened between us, but I kept on wondering from where he got the money to buy those earrings. Months later I got to hear that his ex-girlfriend was a saleswoman in one of the malls.

The March-I stayed loyal to academics. It was a love-hate relationship.

The April-I stayed loyal to academics. Academics suffers from the bi-polar condition.

The May-Someone from my past showed up, he was looking handsome in a hotel bar, and I could not stop, so baby pull me closer in the backseat of your Rover. This is Chainsmoker’s Closer, kindly skip it.

The June-Spent my birthday in Estonia- witnessed the midnight sun, a cute guy hit on me…I didn’t know I was this cute. My life is not Yash Chopra’s movie, romance in a foreign location? You must be kidding.

The July-No time for romance worked my ass out on my Thesis. Thesis submitted. To live a fabulous life is not easy.

The August-Moved out from the University with mixed feeling like loose motion and constipation at the same time. Damn! No man run after me on a cycle like in the movie Barfi!

The September- Started dating the richest bachelor of Nagaland. Wow! What a feminist decision.

The October- Still dating the richest bachelor of Nagaland. Wow! What a feminist dedication.

The November- That rich bachelor was not so dumb, he got to know I was trying to scam him. I defended myself by saying, ‘My love might be a scam, but US Election was the greatest scam of this year.’ I am sure he feels better now.

The December-I wanted Macbook Air as a Christmas gift. I know Santa was not going to gift me. I have been a very bad girl ;) and he is no Christian Grey.

 ***Santa does not exist, but together Santa-Banta exists in India…two fat men, middle aged, round face, one leads- the other one follows, hehe! You got the picture.

Welcome, 2017. I know you are going to be sexy. Muah!

THE DIARY OF AN EX-MEMBER OF DELILAH SCHOOL

Dragons fly and they emit fire from their nostrils, I bleed every month. The existence of dragons is questionable. Debates and discussions are appreciated if a good documentary director documents it intelligently. On the other hand, my existence as a woman is hahaha, the members of my school fight among themselves and often they are their worst enemy. Anyway, the only thing that is similar between the dragons and an opinionated woman like me is- people are afraid of us for some eccentric reasons…fire?

Dear Diary,

As you know that I do not belong to Delilah school anymore, I have the liberty to write this note to you without the fear of being fined or sued even if some uncivilised soul sneaks through it.

In the Delilah school, I was taught always to make room for unexpected in oneself, but I realised I have claustrophobia. I never held a top position in any of offices, I am not beautiful and I am full of fear, I am afraid of unwanted attention, I am scared of criticisms, and I pee on my jeans when I see wild animals because I have been conditioned to see animals only inside the cage. We were taught to be perfect, so flawless that every word uttered from our mouth becomes supreme. The members of the school were taught to attain beauty, charm and seduction, intelligence and wit, I was the round peg in a square hole. I was lazy to groom in summer and was heartless during winter. The members of this school are always put under competition with members of other schools like Eve School, Esther School and Mary School. Every inch of action is to put members of another school down or to trap and make men kneel to the ground.  I told them to relax as we had the oldest technology in the world, I said, ‘Uterus is the oldest 3D printer known to mankind. And we are going nowhere.’ They looked in anger, that’s when I knew my days in this School were numbered. I don’t have a lover, or a friend, or a husband or children, I think everything in this world is overrated, I think solitude is the most underrated thing on this earth.

Top secret, we had a lesson on subtle seduction too. I objected it, such objection came from my belief that nothing in this world is subtle because every subtle action or words have bigger consequences than the unsubtle ones. They charged me, I paid some thousand bucks. Again they charged me when I suggested them that instead of polishing us to hit a target, why don’t we think of shielding us from being a target. They were quick in collecting fines from me, maybe, I was worth taking fines from or maybe, I was just being a reflective tunnel from where the air passes and they thought breathing was a bad ritual. It does not need a drunken soul to sense there is disunity even among the pioneers of this school, hence, no major contribution has been offered by this school.

I believe in expression and they glorify codification of everything including repression. Well, seduction can be a form of expression which they are good at, but, what good does it do when all the women of this school separate themselves with strict boundary. The sole element that functions alongside the realm of expression is to have a relationship with the over-all strategies to achieve the purpose of its execution. In the initial days, I made friends with some liberal members within my school, turns out they were the worst. I wonder how they could fake it so well, I too fake it sometimes but my accommodative nature springs out from the sheer belief that we do not have to scale and live, unlike those people who have nothing but their investment for their larger interest. 

It is true that no divine creature will come down to fix the car or change the light bulb. I wonder why we all cannot live in unity with the members of other schools. No, we can’t!

Written with so much redemption in the air,

Miss Lamekumer.

THE LADY BOSS

Reviews

“English speaking movie, hence, highly and comfortably recommended for high school students in English medium schools."

                                                   Miss. Fannyla, Primary school teacher

“This movie is loaded with great dialogues, hmm, I don’t have to prepare my speech on women and power and empowerment for the next two years. I am going to quote and mega quote the lines from this movie. Thank you The Lady Boss.”

             One of the Members of Legislative Assembly, Nagaland

“I was going through a bad divorce phase, I watched this movie on the recommendation of my ex-husband’s current wife, and magic happened, I am feeling like a new woman. I have even ordered original Ray-Ban sunglasses to feel like the Lady Boss.”

                 The now not so estranged ex-wife of a rich Naga playboy husband

“ The Lady Boss speaks directly to your heart, you will feel like praying for her every now and then. She carries a charitable character, oh, she is straight from heaven.”

                A former pastor under investigation for corruption charges

“If Raees is Bollywood’s reply to The Rum Diary, then  The Lady Boss is Nagaland’s reply to Kill Bill.”

         An Anonymous fan of the movie

Plot Summary

Spoiler Alert!

She had everything in life except money. She even studied hard to win Kaun Banega Crorepati, but by the time she was confident of winning, the show was off the air. She realised all the books and videos on how to become rich were produced to fool and exploit poor people to become poorer. One day, she went to church and prayed to God in Latin, although God could understand any language, she chose this particular language because she wanted to show off, but that’s not the point. While returning from the church, an old man who looked like a classic pervert stopped her and offered a deal she would not refuse. Intoxicated by the small of her natural hair, he fell in love, but she didn’t love him, she loved his young and energetic nephew.  On the April Fool’s day, he kills her lover and fires her from the job. She cries for her dead lover, but more for the job. She decides to avenge the ill-treatment under The Employers and Employees Act, 1990. Now, you have to watch the movie to find out, 1) Does she get justice? 2) Why is the movie titled Lady Boss?