DYING-CHEATING, LETTING IT GO & OTHER FAVOURITE FLAVOURS

Seeing you with him makes me say, ‘Cupid, indeed, has a good sense of humour.’

 Seeing you with her makes me say, ‘Destiny is a special kind of retard and it is established by a match like yours.’

He has a girlfriend by the name Blue and a best friend by the name Cold. One day he comes back from his office and finds Blue and Cold making out. All three are stunned. He goes forward and embraces both of them and walks out of the room, leaving Blue and Cold all the more confused. He is thankful to them for erasing his guilty conscience. Because all these while, he was  cheating behind Blue’s back with Cold’s wife.

1940: A young bride of 18 was brought to a mansion. She was neither allowed to crack jokes over the dinner table nor talk about politics nor be witty. She was restricted from touching the hunting gun of her elderly husband. Anyway, it seems the mansion was haunted.

1960: After their very long goodbye, they met in a shop. She came to order her daughter’s wedding cake. She was not the right person to ask him why he was still single. She bade goodbye, walked out like a dignified stranger. He smiled; neither did she invite him to her daughter’s wedding nor did she invite him to her wedding thirty years ago, because of the same reason only known to her. 

First of all, you never called me, though you said you’ll, but I still love you.

You burned my books, spoiled my shoes, damaged my head, broke my heart, but I still love you.

Behind my back you slept with Suzy, kissed Cozy, flirted with Molly, dated Dolly, but I still love you.

She bought a bouquet of blue orchids to surprise her lover. Blue is a cold colour and orchids are best in wild. That day, she caught her best friend making out with her lover on her favourite sofa. She looked at both of them and requested, ‘Please, carry on.’ She gently walked outside, lighted up a cigarette and smiled at the blue orchids, for she knew ever since her mom left her dad that- some men are stupid, some women are curvaceous and libido is a powerful fluid, but above all, some people are not worth her anger and tears.

2000: It so happened that the man who spent hours writing about woman’s issues, from marital rape to female infanticide to ‘love your image’ campaign to equal wages for equal work, was  the biggest chauvinist of all time, the most loyal follower of patriarchy as well. He found great admiration, had a strong base of fans, some people even started branding him as the dash between ‘Simone de Beauvoir and Gloria Steinem.’ He fell for a woman who did not give a damn about him, why? Because that’s the way she was. When she dared  not to acknowledge his feelings, he being the reviewer of the journal threw her paper into the trashcan like rotten eggs. She was the best, but she knew not what was worst as the world has always been a performing ground for double-faced actors and of course, actresses.

2010: The morning after their first night, she makes breakfast for him; she is neither his wife nor a hooker. But she is no fool, she is not the modern version of the 1940s housewife, trust me, she won’t take shit from anyone. She knows inside the bathroom he is texting Linda, calling Brinda, checking hot shots of Trida while thinking of Frida. Once out from the bathroom, she hands him the coffee mug, he drinks it even without knowing that she has pissed on it. He finds the taste a bit strange, but like the ‘world dumbest bull’ smiles with the self-perceived contentment that she is such a naïve woman worth fooling.

8 REASONS WHY YOU ARE BEING HATED

Hate is a ‘powerful’ term, it might be politically incorrect to use for a blog-post title, but since it is ‘power’-ful so it is ‘politically’ correct. Whoever said ‘keep your friends close, and your enemies closer’ did not have a freaking clue that some people have more enemies than friends, to keep them closer will lead to suffocation and hence, death.

You might be reading this post for one of the reasons- a. You love what I write, b. You hate what I write; in fact, you are straining your eyes to get brownie points by detecting wrong grammar or disagreement, c. You want to know why you are being hated. The first two options are personal to me; I am keeping it for myself. Now with third option as the right option please continue reading.

1. UNIVERSAL- Good news- not everyone will hate you, sad news- not everyone will love you. There will always be an angel (without wings) to help you and there will always be an asshole (without an air-hole) to pull you down. You are not the first person in the world to be hated or the last. So relax!

2. Z-FACTOR- If ‘X-factor’ is for attraction, then ‘Z-factor’ should be for repulsion. Like X-factor this very factor is unknown. You might be emitting certain kind of energy that makes people hate you, or say the chemicals in your body produces a certain kind of smell which when reaches the nostrils of the inhaler results in an unprecedented hatred towards you.

3. THE PARADOX OF WORDS

 To the chatterbox- Remember, talkativeness was considered a bad manner some ages ago (when there was no concept of anchoring, jockeying and the likes). A person who speaks a lot unknowingly uses words which hurt people who do not interpret it in the way it was meant to be.

To the silent monk- Remember, silence is gold, but that was ages ago when the phrase ‘less is more’ did not hit the market. Sometimes when you do not say the words which some people want to hear then unspoken words are interpreted in 102 ways. There is time for everything, great if you know when to speak.

4. OVERACHIEVER – For years someone lived like an underdog, underachiever, unsung and unrewarded then comes ‘You’ -smart, talented, hardworking, intelligent and adorable, suddenly you take the entire spotlight from someone who never ever shined in the cattle maze. You started expanding your popularity in social network and even the local guards speak about you before taking their puffs. You are everywhere, including their minds. Then what? His insecurities get untamed and the eye of the green eyed monster becomes wider, and we all know that the job of the monster is to eat. But cannibalism is illegal so he hates you.

5. RUMOURS – Across the span of history there has been millions and millions of idiots, ***as well as a handful of smart people*** and these idiots like to believe in stupidly sensational stuff, for example, a dead person dancing on a rainy day. They must have heard stories about you, so even without knowing you they have preconceived notion which results in an instant hatred towards you.

6. DIFFERENCES- You do not like coffee, you like beer, they love coffee, they hate beer. You like rock music, they like classical, you are non-vegetarian, they are vegetarian, you and they have nothing in common, neither religious belief nor political ideology. Opposites attracts but only when there is tolerance of certain level, but the differences between you and they are so much that tolerance have taken early retirement. The only thing in common is -they hate you and you hate them.

7. EXPECTATIONS- ‘Expectation!’ is a killing machine, which goes for random shooting rather than target shooting. Things are not always ‘I expect myself to get this work done’ rather it is something like ‘He owes me, when is he going to repay back.’ The sense of ‘I deserve this, but she gave me this’ spoils relationships. Hope and faith are use in a positive sense, even ‘expectation’ for that matter. However, we often hear ‘Don’t expect anything from me,’ maybe the line originated from the head of the person who knew if she unable to accomplish what is being expected then she might be hated by the poltroons.

8. MAYBE YOU ARE A JERK: Sometimes it takes courage to say ‘I am the Problem’. A play was staged; everyone wanted to play the victim but not the villain, so the play never happened. It might feel good to get some sympathy from here and there, but have you ever sat down and considered what you are undergoing is something you deserved? If you slept with you best friend’s lover by drugging her in his absence, then the bashing, hatred and months in jail are something you deserve. 

Whether or not you fall under one of the options do not really matter because haters gonna hate anyway. The surprise comes when the person whom you thought loves you the most turns out to be the person who hates you the most. Well, this is life; it has surprises and packages. And of course, the more haters you have, the truer you are being to yourself.

THE DHABA SOCIETY OF JNU

Where can someone find the cheapest food joints in Delhi? JNU campus!

Some of the dhabas in JNU has been there for decades, there are new ones too. These dhaba has become a part of student’s life; so much so that in honour of its service we have become the members of ‘The Dhaba Society of JNU’. It is like the campus’ reply to the café society of the last century which was prevalent in the west. Anyway, every member of the society is distinguished as,

THE INTRODUCTIONERs- These members are new to the Dhaba Society, they are yet to know what time this dhaba opens, what time that dhaba closes and where to find the best what. They are yet to know the names of the dhaba and its workers. Just for the record, there is no such thing like this dhaba serves the best Chai. Every dhaba has its bad chai day and good chai day.

THE IN-LOVERs- These members of the Dhaba Society are in love, so in love that they forget to check their watches or mobile until mosquitoes drive them away from the dhaba. One piece of advice, if you want your love story to be a clandestine affair than Sabarmati dhaba should be avoided, strategically it is more like a playground-wide and too open.

THE INHALERs- These members are UPSC-CSE aspirations who studies for straight ten hours that they need a break to inhale the fresh air of JNU over a cup of chai. The other members of this category include student who is slogging for semester exams, term paper submission, dissertation or thesis submission and the ones who are into the movie marathon.

THE IN-SERVICE PERSON- These members of Dhaba Society are working, not a job, but under a service. Waiting is a stressful service. He or she is terribly broke that he/she waits for someone known to him/her to pay for the cup of chai. So sweet and very clever!

THE IN-NO MOODERs- These members form the philosophical unit of Dhaba Society. Nobody knows what’s in their minds. Smile has taken leave from their face centuries ago. They sit in one corner of the dhaba, which in Sheldon Cooper’s language is called ‘my spot’ and gaze at vast space sipping chai. Other members can only guess the reason behind such demeanour, might be failed relationship, doomed job prospects, rejections of various orders etc.

THE IRRITANTs- These members of Dhaba Society are people who feel comfortable only meeting in public, they want company. Generally, other members avoid them because of their loud and opinionated nature. They are a great companion to have while you drink your chai, but once your chai is over better to part ways or be prepared to burn your brain with the never ending argument. Beware! some of them are proselytiser.

THE INTO-BOOKs- These members of Dhaba Society read a lot and know a lot.  They read books, love books, think books, but drinks chai.  They are book bosomed, most of the time they are lost in the fictional world, which makes them utterly adorable because we want peace in the society.

THE INSIGNIFICANTs- These members of Dhaba Society are dwellers who want to be unnoticed by anyone. They quietly come, get their cup of chai, drinks and heads back to their respective hostels. They are comfortable with such engagements and other members do not seem to bother them. They are special for trying and achieving to be insignificant.

THE INTRUDERs- For the love of democracy, these people are not even members of Dhaba Society, they are intruders who take advantage of the friendship they share with our society members. They do not have respect for our society and that is exactly why they consider our dhabas as night club without the alcohol and engages in fights.  Intruder’s zone- the 24x7 area!

THE EYE (PRONOUNCED AS I) - I am yet to figure out whether ‘The Eye’ is a member or an intruder. The Eye knows everything that is happening in the Dhaba Society, and there are chances of he/she being a member of the society in past. A disloyal member will be the right word because a loyal member will not join forces to come up with ‘eviction notices’ time and again.

               I cannot end this blog post without a slogan so here is it, ‘Chai the day!’

*Staying away from the debates on non-veg and vegetarian food, I gave importance to chai.

THE GOLDEN WALK OF HER LIFE

HALF SCORE AND ONE

If she was an ardent believer of horoscope then I could have begun by describing how an Aries woman is, but she is not, so let me quote a line which is popular among men, ‘If you want to know what your woman will look like in 20 years, look at her mom.’ If they trust this line then they will be heavily disappointed, I will not be able to look as awesome as my mother with all the harsh sunrays kissing me, financial tensions, pressure of all kinds and, of course, the paramount pain of bringing up four children with different temperaments plus a husband who have his own ways of doing things.

FRILLS OF COMPASSION

Growing up with a woman who is as compassionate as her was never easy. At the stroke of midnight if someone calls for help then she will be the first one to stretch her hands. As a kid I remember the number of Horlicks bottle(s) I had to carry when that ‘uncle was sick, this aunt was hospitalised'. We use to call her ‘Mother Teresa’, it was rude, though, for which we were rebuked. I have to tell you that she has a huge heart, so huge the whole word can fit in. Once when our aged gardener expired, the whole night she made wreaths after wreaths with swollen eyes, she had an option of buying the wreath but no it was her way of paying respect to the person who had served us with loyalty. People who are close to our family often remarks, ‘Your children have inherited the sense of humour from your husband and the spirit of compassion from you.’ P.S. She does not get sarcasm; it is always a pain to explain jokes to her.

THE CONSTANT GARDENER

I hope the title is not patented by John le Carré. I am yet to meet the person who loves gardening as much as her.  Her knowledge of gardening is impressive, she knows almost all the flower’s name, grass and tree included. Which plant is best suitable for which climate and the significance of each flower. She can easily distinguish between perennial and seasonal flowers. If people were flowers then my mom might have choose for me the forever kind of friends, how I wish.  

THE EVENT DECORATER  

Way back in the mid-1990s when there was no concept of ‘wedding planner’ in Nagaland, she uses to make flowers from tissue papers, paint dry flowers, make the most attractive of flowers from chart papers just to make someone’s wedding grand. Trust me, she did not  charge even a cent to couples who were from modest families. Her huge collection of flowers were often borrowed from various Church services, funerals, birthday parties, bureaucratic parties-luncheons.  The way she decorated the flowers became quite popular among a certain set of ladies who in turn carried the message forward, she shined and she deserved it. Now, she does not involve actively as before, but sure she lends her flowers at an extremely reasonable rate.

VERACIOUS READER

She used to read a lot but now due to her growing eye weakness, she has become selective and often confines herself to newspapers. It was her idea to have a home library. She was the first person who taught me to love books, also the first person who encouraged me to develop an everlasting friendship with books. She warned me that a day is not well spent until and unless one reads, at least, a page from a book can be from a Bible or anything that’s worth reading. Thus, in solitude, I found the best of the company, thanks to her.

SHE IS MY MOTHER

I could have written paragraph after paragraph about her, like she is a fashion expert, an amazing cook, a woman of faith grounded on Christian spirituality, she is a daughter, a sister, a wife etc, but I do not think she will be interested to know so much about her, and it might be straining for the readers, least they end up screaming ‘Crony Post!’ Anyway, in short let me end by saying, I know her as my mother and I am blessed to be born from her heart.

HE WAS A POETRY

She grew from a romantic girl to a passionate woman, yet, she knew from the start that men are not the only one capable of scaling the madness when stirred by a force so strong that had made the strongest of emperors stoop and see the wonders. Some years ago I sat by her bedside to listen and write what she had to say...

 He was a poetry in a land that

-was still learning the alphabet,

And every day for the rest of my life

-I told him,

In all your moods I will love you,

In all your movements I will love you,

In all your engagements I will love you

In all yours avatars I will love you,

In all the seasons I will love you,

I will love you, I will love you,

I will love your hi, I will love your bye,

And I will love you more when I will know you more.

When you are low, when you are high,

When you laugh, when you cry,

When you smile, when you pout,

When you spark, when you dim,

When you are asleep, when you are awake,

When you run, when you are still,

When you dance, when you hop,

When you sing, when you cough,

When you are alone, when you are in a crowd,

When you are healthy, when you are sick,

When you are certain, when you are confused,

When you are generous, when you are prudent,

When you are hot, when you are cold,

When you are sweet, when you are blunt,

When you are drinking, when you are eating,

When you are hugging, when you are kissing,

When you are wise, when you are silly,

When you are the captain, when you are the pirate,

When you are the king, when you are the pauper,

When you are the writer, when you are reader,

When you are the speaker, when you are the listener,

When you are the teacher, when you are the taught,

When you are the producer, when you are the consumer,

When you are the player, when you are the spectator,

When you are the hero, when you are the villain,

When you are the good news, when you are the bad news,

When you are the victor, when you are the vanquished,

When you are the persecutor, when you are the defendant,

When you are the daddy, when you are the son,

When we are at peace, when we are at war,

When you are rich, when you are broke,

When you joke, when you are serious,

When you are sober, when you are drunk,

When you are licking an ice-cream, when you are sucking a cotton candy,

When you are in pyjamas, when you are in designer coat,

When you are in white, when you are in red,

When you are climbing a tree, when you are descending from a mountain,

When you are riding a bike, when you swimming in a river,

When you are greedy, when you are needy,

When it is January, when it is December,

When it is spring, when it is autumn,

When it is raining, when it is humid and dry,

When you having burden, when you are at ease,

When you are in street, when you at home,

When you are the relief, when you are the agony,

When you are standing on a river, when you are wandering in a desert,

When you are on blue sea, when you are in grey land,

When you are sweating with humidity, when you are freezing with cold,

When you are reciting a poem, when you are appreciating an art,

When you are chasing a butterfly, when you are feeding a puppy,

When you are skating, when you are in a rollercoaster,

When you are unfurling, when you are folding,

When you are lighting a candle, when you are blowing off a lamp,

When you are lying, when you are honest,

When you are a distraction, when you are an attraction,

When you are covered with cloves, when you are pouring the wine,

When you are hooked to books, when you are booked with hooks,

When you are steady, when you are clumsy,

When you seek, when you find,

When you are strong, when you are weak,

When you hope, when you despair,

When you glorify, when you condemn,

When you embrace, when you refute,

When you are in light, when you are in darkness,

When you are under a shade, when you are in a spotlight,

When you take responsibilities, when you are carefree,

When you collect, when you break,

When you stitch, when you tear,

When you create, when you copy,

When you admit, when you deny,

When you compliment, when you criticize,

When you exclaim, when you whisper,

When you decipher, when you are tangled,

When you are with me, when you are away,

When you are easy, when you are tough,

When you take pride, when you are humble,

When you like perfection, when you like imperfection,

When you are witty, when you are boring,

When you are imaginative, when you are dull,

When you are captivating, when you are repelling,

When you are bizarre, when you are ordinary,

When you repent, when you gratify,

When you are thirty, when you are sixty,

When you act like a child, when you act like a grandpa,

When you are honoured, when you are humiliated,

When you are alive, and even after you die,

In all your ways, and in many more ways - I will love you like I love you.