HOW TO MILK A COW WITHOUT MAKING HER SAY MOO MOO

Winter is knocking at the door. Woolen clothes and trendy boots all on sale for the ones who has little or no knowledge of what slavery means, but that is okay no one here has a problem with how you think.  Death and unholy alliance between the nickel and the penny agreed upon several missions, crisped on the jungle, doomed for an unconventional silence and laughing at the riot which existed only in their mind. What does the endearing machines do and does not, what human being is capable of and what is the height of appreciation one achieves when an ultimate sacrifice was made to ease the pain which has been a medium of our existence for a long time. Between man and woman and God and the wonders of the mind which can be deformed and reformed, love forms the basis of the answer and madness a realm in which it operates.

She didn’t belong to any guild, not to pirates or the poets,

Daddy’s little angel, she was not. He left her-

-mom in torn blouses seduced men for money,

At 12 she had a reputation, why so early?

Blended in blood, seeking for loneliness,

Refuge too was a miser, she forsook her,

Dampen soul, she knew not how to cry,

It was just a collage of nightmares she dared to dream.

Foolish was her heart, she fell for a ragged,

He said she make him suicidal. No, she didn’t meet him,

Crime, he was a different kind of criminal,

All he talked was sex, drugs, guns and sex again,

He said he didn’t care about her, glad she won’t spend a penny on him,

Said he was not the loyal kind so he kept a cat, whose name was Jerry the dog. 

He said she make him suicidal. No, she hasn’t met him,

He was just like a poetry which the poet himself couldn’t understand, 

He wept, he wrote, longed for younger women,

He loved their dirty pillows, high heels and expensive lingerie,

But he was broke, those women didn’t keep him. 

He said she make him suicidal, he missed her, 

That’s bad, he was weak, 

She thought she was not attracted to him, 

He was losing his charm, she has already yawned twice.

Like a routine he called her up on Thursday,

Her life was not a medieval novel, her pity didn’t turn into love.

In her apartment, he came with a gun,

She heard a gunshot, did he shoot himself?

No, the blood on the floor was hers, 

He said she make him suicidal, then why the hell he shot her?

Damn! 

There is no such thing called happy ending, but it is rude to say those bunch of optimist souls are banal.  However, objections are over those people who make their lives brighter and warmer by making others' lives colder and darker. But you do not have to agree on what the defense comes from the other end. When we hear 'ship!’ we don't visualize a ship being captured by some ugly pirates, we frame our imagination somewhat of a ship sailing in the blue pristine waters of some ocean, one of the five oceans. But, dang, there are terms like ‘shipwreck’, ‘cruise vessel mishaps’, ‘ship explosion’ and more. So what? There can be as many personalities in your story, some characters you might live and some characters which you yourself will detest, the irony is you being the creator of these characters your likeness and your dislikes should matter less to you are more to the people who will be the best judge by their right to interpret. Anyway, occasionally we can all milk a cow without making her say moo moo…

THE EIGHT GUYS YOU’LL SEE BACK HOME

My mom's constant nagging and the timely accusation from my sister has tremendously helped me in my writings. Yeah! Yeah! Whatever! Anyway, today I would like to let you know about the eight guys you will see back home. Out of the eight, you might be familiar with at least one of them. And yes, I don’t want to have flings with any of them, I am here for a great family time, I bet ;)

The One who is now branded as ‘Ex!’

Once upon a time you held his hands, kissed him and might have made clumsy love, boo hoo, that is history. Things did not work between you two, you moved on, he moved on.  Your bad luck if he ended up with one of your cousins or the bitchy girl from your college. You might meet him in one of the corners, he might be single, nonetheless, you never liked Nicholas Sparks’ treatment of romance, so you say ‘Hello!’ and walk out without feeling empty.

The One whom you never stopped Crushing

He was cute then, hot now, isn’t he? He is still unemployed, stays with his parents, and got his graduation degree with great obstacles, but it does not matter to you, you were foolish then, you are foolish now. He might be more successful than what I have written in the above lines, he might be married and have six kids, but it does not matter to you because you never got over him, you still have the gigantic infatuation on him.  Oh, Scarlett O’ Hara get over him before someone leaves you by saying, ‘Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!’

The One who never got over You

In some mindless teenage days, you might have smiled at him or accepted the Friendship Day card from him, although it meant nothing to you, for him, it was the beginning of his life-long struggle with Florentino syndrome. You were his puberty fantasy, he had planned a wedding and 50^th Wedding Anniversary with you on his mind. He is not psychotic, he is harmless, so harmless that you have forgotten his existence. Sorry, this post might make you recall someone like him.

The One who now rocks like Zac Efron

Once upon a time he was the awkward teenage guy everyone made fun of. He might have been your classmate or one of the boys from your hood.  His face might have been covered with pimples and he might have been overweight. The society which loves superficially did not tolerate him as the way he was, he was ridiculed now and then. You felt sorry for him and wished upon a star to transform him. Time escaped, now he owns a body to die for, his face looks like one of the Calvin Klein models and the ones who made fun of refuses to accept their misbehaviour. He had the last laugh. Are you happy for him? Yes, you do, yet, make sure you do not fall for him.

The One who is now super Successful

The underdog, the one with the poor grades, the boy who was least expected to succeed. This particular boy has proven everyone wrong. Going by layman’s definition of success, he is super successful. He has a high paying job, has an imported car, a beautiful loving wife who has a million dollar profession of her own, and kids who are doing exceptionally well in their primary school and they go abroad for holidays with his parents and in-laws.  Do you want to call him for delivering the motivational speech at your friend’s (the one who used to bully him) charity event?

The One who was once a Playboy

Once upon a time, he uses to brag about his skills to make a woman go nuts for him. His sexual partners were more than the number of nations (once) under the British Empire.  Surprisingly, he never contacted STD, HIV/AIDS and all shit of diseases transmitted through sex. Now, you are surprised to meet him. He is married and has three daughters, he is a loyal husband and a caring father who spends his weekend changing diapers, cooking and fixing washbasins. Aren’t you happy for such transformation in him? One cannot blame you for plotting an epic revenge if you were one of the women he slept and never cared to call again.

The One who has the status of Celebrity

If there is a term called ‘pseudo-intellectual’ then there should be a term called ‘pseudo-celebrity’ too. Sometimes, there are some individuals who with their talents try to achieve something great, sad, they get stuck in one of the realms and does not crack it further, we call them ‘local celebrities’ but when they are arrogant about and shows off the very little thing they have achieved then we do not mind them calling ‘pseudo-celebrities’. In your home town, you will find a guy lingering around with a guitar, or a book or paint brush or a gas stove, everyone knows him, he has appeared in the local newspapers, however, it hardly matters to you.

The One your family and relatives want to set you up With

You have reached the peak of your marriageable age (stupid social construction), everyone in your family except you is getting panicky. So here comes the guy whom you want to avoid for three reasons, (a) you are single and wants to be this way for some period of time, (b) you are in love with someone which none of your family members is aware of, (c) you are not into guys, however, you are yet to come out of the closet. He might be handsome or moderately good looking, he might have a decent earning job and he might fit perfectly well in your family frame, but you are not ready, which means your family should respect your decision and stop throwing emotional drama.

Do you agree with the list? 

TWO FEATHERS: The love story of my Grandparents

The Young  Couple

They say love can happen at anywhere and anytime, might be while watching Annie Hall or Anime or while doing stuff which you generally do not like. It can happen when you are attending the needs of your dying uncle on the corridor of the hospital or while about to punch the man who stole your helmet. Someone might fall in love with someone in Facebook, get catfished, and end up cursing their stupidity. Someone might fall in love with someone in Facebook, get married, and end up thanking Mark Zuckerberg. Anyway, I am not advertising my relationship counseling skills so let me tell you a nice story, the love story of my maternal Grandparents. They too had a love story, a tolerable, sweet and real love story. Let their second-eldest grandchild (who is apparently me) narrate it to you.

In the beginning of the 1960s while the world was witnessing complex of inter-related cultural and political trends and Nagaland was known as Naga Hills District under the Assam Province, there lived my Grandpa who worked in Assam Police. He was well loved by his superiors for his honesty and meticulous nature. I am told that he was tall and so handsome that all the women who saw him would try to catch a second glimpse of him, I am also told eligible ladies would cook delicious meals to win his attention and affection, come on ladies, that’s the only talent you had???

Since I am done with his intro, let me say something about my Grandma. As cliché as it can get, my Grandma was a nurse, and now you are visualizing some Hollywood wartime romantic movie. She had a girlish innocence which she carried well, and she had full protruding lips which were not in fashion then but is in fashion now.

How did they meet? They met in one of the social gatherings. They started off as friends, but eventually they fell in love and now I do not want to sound like a country love story. However, Shakespeare wrote in 16^th Century, ‘The course of true love never ran smooth’, hence, they had to face a minor problem, which was not so minor, I am just being nice to the optimistic people who thinks their parents will accept the person of their choice in one flicker. My Grandma’s family did not like my Grandpa, maybe they thought their daughter/ sister deserved Dev Anand. Persuasion did not help and she was grounded. My Grandpa had to take a decision for this I put enormous respect on his name, he knew he loved her and she was the only one with whom he wanted to spend his entire life. He followed the oldest model ever known to mankind when the long road is boring and cumbersome, he opted for a shortcut- they eloped. He brought her to his home and no one had anything to say because that is when the literal and the metaphorical terms get conjoined giving a numbness to the people in a clown suit. When the mid- Monsoon started her family had nothing but only blessings to offer.

Let me get a bit naughty here, I don’t know what kind of ‘sweet little nothing’ talks were exchanged between them, but as a third class poet, let me take the privilege to present my improvised and imaginative version of Grandma’s love monologue,

Don’t jump from my window, there are thorns in the rose bushes,

Don’t walk through the door, there are scoundrel mongers and scandal vipers,

Don’t look at the ceiling, there are many holes, we are poor,

Look at my feet, look at your feet and thank the walk, it brought us together.

My Grandpa passed away last year (October 17^th, 2015). On his funeral my granny was angry with him for a simple reason, she told her children, ‘I am mad at your dad for leaving me alone. How can he be so selfish?’

I am glad how their love story ended, they were together until the last days of his life. You see in this world of ours which is infested with deadly diseases like Cancer, HIV/AIDS etc, and now and then launching of new diseases, terrorist attacks, and natural disasters, what lovers have is a moment which is valuable and which should not be simplified into mere typing of  XOXO- axe-oh-axe-oh. I am happy my Grandparents loved and stayed together and produced wonderful children and had the strength to bless their grandchildren.