HOW TO BE THE AWESOMEST BOYFRIEND EVER like ever TO LIVE ON THIS PLANET

Introduction: Sappy romantic novelists and the casting director of its movie adaptation are still alive, bloody illusionists!  I know Alzheimer sucks, Cancer sucks, but no one is aiming for Nobel Prize in Medicine here, totally understood. As a teenager, I was scammed to love The Notebook, but when the novel was adapted into a movie they chose Ryan Gosling the male version of Scarlett Johansson to essay the role of Noah Calhoun, the result? The sweet lips said to the rough ears, ‘Why can’t you be like Noah Calhoun?’ (Poor Noah from the Bible).  Ten years down the line, The Fault in Our Stars hit the theaters. Ansel Elgort was Augustus Waters, he is gorgeous, tall, has an athletic body, he is funny, he is a writer but more of a poet, a philosopher, a charmer, so charming that he charmed the lady all the way to the Anne Frank Home and kissed her ( duh!!! It is not Eiffel Tower, should have shown some respect). Genetically it is not possible to be that freaking perfect boyfriend until and unless one of your parents is a god/goddess. Never mind, you might not have the looks or the body, but if you work on your personality by reading this blog post of mine then trust me, for girls you will be the human equivalent of crocodile leather bag by Christian Dior.

1. Try to kiss her on the first date, not on the cheek but deep tongue penetration kiss, irrespective of whether your mouth stinks or not. If she disagrees then tell her even your mom was kissed by your dad on their first meeting, it is a family tradition, she should respect it.
2. Do everything in your power to sleep with her by hustling, hoodwinking, bamboozling, you name it. If she reluctant then tell her you are not like other men, the way to your heart is through your dick, not your stomach.
3. If she is really hot like way out of your league hot, but you were successful in seducing her, then try to make a short sex video for your friends to worship you. Doing so your social, economic and political value will be elevated among your peers. Who knows it might give her a career break as well.
4. Even when she cries don’t hold her, excuse yourself for not being a fan of hugs. Traditionally, weekend dates are fixed on or before Wednesday, but your highness, make sure you only give her last minute notice ~always.
5. After a big argument, whether it be your fault or not, she should be the one to apologize. After all, we argue to win, don’t we?
6. Even if she get drunk, you focus on your drink. Let her vomit carbon, let her head spin, let her handle her own karma.
7. Make fun of her friends' body size, color, and intelligence. Don’t forget to remind her how lucky she is to have you, unlike her single girlfriends. Obviously!
8. If she is a feminist and you think the only way to bang her is by pretending to be a feminist, then do so. After your mission is successful, don’t call her ever like never. She is a feminist, she is strong; she will get over it.
9. People might call it domestic violence, but beat her sometimes to show her who is the boss…who knows she might be secretly yearning for it, all thanks to her abusive father for lifting his left (hand) when her mom asked for her right.
10. Don’t forget to be a total jerk all the time. If she throws all her glossy Cosmo at you then? Here is the act, imagine yourself as the great Charlie Chaplin in The Great Dictator, look straight into her eyes, pause and say, ‘Hey girl, the books on Vampires, the Greys, the Prince so Charming would have been of no value had it not produced a needy chick like you. You so desperately believed I was the one. Hence, I presented to you the King from the Kingdom of Assholes!’

 Now hold on bro, are you really insane to follow these rules? Either you don’t  understand what I really want to say or you have a good lawyer to hold your back. Good luck both ways.  

HOW TO SURVIVE YOUR PhD YEARS

*I know Ph.D. candidates from Science streams will be like what the hell is she saying??! 

Decide to enroll in the Ph.D. program.

To reward your decision, roll a newspaper, roll it thick, hit your head with it.

Choose a topic of your choice, choose a topic which your supervisor might approve of; choose a topic which has a high market value.

Know that your supervisor is the Ultimate God, the Creator, the Protector, the Destroyer, the Judge and the Final Authority. Hence, never ever screw your relationship with your supervisor, never, never at any cost.

If your supervisor does not like the topic of your choice, then argue reasonably, but never try to outsmart her/him.

If you like your topic and your supervisor likes your topic then the Lady Academics has showered her blessing upon you. If you don’t like your topic, but your supervisor likes your topic then you can either change your supervisor (and stop reading this article from now on) or stuck to that topic, eventually, you will fall in love with that topic; like any other arrange marriage. If you like your topic, but your supervisor don’t like your topic then start reading a book titled, ‘How to live alone in this mean cold world?’

If your research involves fieldwork then gear yourself to meet snobbish academicians, rude people, and selfish weather.

If your research is purely theoretical then buy Aspirins, take care of your migraine.

If your want your Thesis to be outstanding then get your heart broken into pieces. You know there is a saying, those who are unlucky in love are lucky in rational thinking.

Invitation for international conferences/ seminars/ winter-summer schools will come not as a perk, but like a mutual investment. Thus, it is better to read the offer document carefully before investing.

With regard to weight, know that writing a Thesis has a different effect on different people. Some may notice their ass and belly becoming heavier and some may see themselves turning into dried autumn leaves. In the rarest of the case, some people’s weight remains the same.  I really doubt the quality of the thesis produced by people whose weight remained the same, no offense.

There will be marriage and job pressure because we are always surrounded by people who thinks marriage is an integral part of human life~ legal permission for procreation is a must~ we are also surrounded by people who overestimate us and people who underestimate us.

Work on your publications. Treat yourself if your paper gets accepted. If it gets rejected then think of that High School boy whose love letter is yet to get a response, you are in a better position than him.

All kinds of tensions will visit you. The ‘breathe in, breathe out’ exercise won’t help you, because? You have already donated your lung.

Apart from all these, the day you are awarded your Ph.D. degree the feeling is overwhelming. Article 18 of the Indian constitution too does not have a problem with your ‘Dr’ title. To have a prefix ‘Dr’ before your name is so powerful, provided no one had ghostwritten your Thesis.  

A REVERSED SHARING: THE GREEN ROOM DRAMA

‘Why are you not writing anything on the issue of Women Reservation in Nagaland?’ That’s the question which many people have asked me. Honestly, for me issues like this are sensitive, hence, no one will dare to open their mouth only if I support my argument with unmanipulated facts; which is possible only if I go for field work to the collect the data. But, seriously I have a Ph.D. viva to defend, three policy articles to analyze (for which I took the money, I have used the money, now I will be jailed if I don’t produce the work), and I am looking for a teaching position, busy here. The point I am making is, I am not in a position to come up with an intense, fact-laden, methodologically sound, groundbreaking, award deserving article on this issue. Hence to apologize, I did a review of what kind of extreme audience are/were present in this debate. Hope you enjoy the show!

The Ratchet Class- God man everyone equal? I doubt. Some are born to shine more than others through their ratchetness.  This class is filled with anger, so much anger,  they don’t have the time to edit their status or comment; they end up showing to the world that they have the worst grammar problem {I am not a Grammar goddess, but my thoughts are rightly conveyed}. When someone takes a stand different from theirs, then this class is ready to pick up a fight, which is purely based on the theme ‘my fragile ego is hurt’. The rowdy attitude of this class makes them the non-classiest human being alive. 

The Section Officer- This officer makes Article 371A and Nagaland Municipal Act 2001 fly. It reminds me of Rohit Shetty’s movies which give a new definition to the ‘Theory of Gravitation’. For most Nagas, Indian Polity was a subject which fetched good marks in Bachelors, memorizing the basic articles and the basic acts was a good trick. This Section Officer graduated, but the S.O’s dream of showing to the world the answer sheet where the S.O meticulously made a khichdi out of M.Laxmikanth’s (D.D.Basu, if they belong to my Uncle’s generation) Indian Polity remained unfilled, hence, this was the best opportunity the Section Officer could get and it was executed well.

The Bible Quotation Masters- We don’t know from where this master got the talent or the authority to interpret Bible verse so conveniently. Their writing goes something like this, ‘In the Bible, it is written…’ Well, in the Bible it is written, ‘to everything, there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven,’ so I guess, it is the time for them to introspect their principles and to keep their mouth shut. Manipulating a text is not a problem as long as you have an audience who hardly questions the authenticity of what you are saying (writing). The 21st Century Nagaland is dominated by smartphones, television channels, fake brands, corruption, and overly ambitious dreams,  thus, no one has the time to actually make sense of the Bible verses, everyone is being a Bible tourist and the real explorers are filled with self-doubt. You know what? Number 33 is an Occult number.

The Prostitute Theorist-Time and again, I have written that politics, religion, and prostitution are the three oldest occupations in the world. People condemn politics, but they cannot ignore it, people argue about religion, but no one can give a solid conclusion. Now comes the prostitution, one of the professions where the service provider is dishonored, but no one points a finger at the client. That’s where this theorist enters with the syllogism, ‘all women politicians are dirty; all prostitutes are dirty; therefore, all women politicians are prostitutes.’ This theorist feels so much responsible to take charge of what kind of occupation a woman should choose to keep her honour and image intact. I do not know how engaging in politics makes a woman a prostitute. Well, if this theorist is getting confused with politics and sex scandals, then I have a request, please Google search-politicians and sex scandals. Check the ratio between male politicians and female politicians who were sacked from the cabinet for sex scandals. 

The Patronizers- I know there are men who genuinely care, love and respect women. They fight for women’s rights, in the process, they are mocked by their own fellow mates for choosing to join the other camp. I thank them. However, there are men who know well how to fake, they show love, awareness, and concern, just to get pretty recognition or in the worst case, to get the attention of that super beautiful feminist. These patronizers are two kinds-

(A) Wolves in Sheep's Clothing- they are more dangerous than the misogynists. Within the close doors, they practice the system which they discard so vehemently in public. Some may call them hypocrites, but I would love to call them ‘period cramps’ because they make us alert of the coming responsibility.

(B) The Ultimate Saviours-they cannot stop bragging about how much pain they have endured, how much recognition they deserve, and how everything would have been without their leadership. Sure, let’s prefix ‘Sir’ before their names. 

The Kuch bhiz- These mammals have been in the hibernation mode for a pretty long time, mucus has filled the eyes of these mammals, hence, their visions are misty. To make the matter worse, maggot has entered their eardrums damaging their auditory senses. They keep on walking, hitting their heads on the pillar and the post. Particularly, when they hit their head on the post, they defend their shortcomings by blaming the weather, yeah, how is it even related? But luck favours them, everyone buys their argument because they are in the right club, surrounded by their kind of people.