PART TWO
In the
year 2015, 2016 & 2017 these were my top Facebook statuses
2015
LOVE IS NOT LOVE WHICH ALTERS WHEN IT
ALTERATION FINDS!
Mister, I am in love with you. I am
aware of the refugee crisis, I know the price of onion has jumped up in India,
I know that US presidential election is next year; I know that a friend of mine
is planning to settle down. There are many atheists is the world and secularism
gives us the liberty to enjoy all the holidays a religion can bring. I know
that people invest money to lose weight and pregnancy pills are not that
effective. There is global warming, pollution and ailments. I know there are
rampant extra marital affairs and monogamy is expensive than divorce. I know
these and many more… So what was I saying? Oh, yeah, I am in love with you.
When two upcoming writers
part-ways aka breakup this is what one party has to say-
“He thinks he is a
writer, that too a writer of 1920s era. His whole persona is ‘writer’. But his
writing — I mean, I’m no great writer myself, but it is f*** terrible. I can
tolerate the most boring, cliché, and regular love-y dove-y shit but I puke
half a kilo of world’s rotten tomatoes whenever I read his wrinkle in the
underwear kind of writing, camouflaged, baked, wrapped and sealed under the
brand of ‘political-satire’. And every time he writes a new blog post, he puts
it on his Facebook. And what make it worse is he gets like 5-10 likes from all
his friends and alleged girlfriends on it, like they were all on a free
distribution queue! He thinks he is too intelligent, a certified bookworm but
let me tell you, he is the dumbest braggist, he thinks Nicaragua is in Africa,
lol, it is in Central America. And someone please go and tell him that UN does
not have a capital, but Headquarter.”
P.S. I have never
dated a writer so it does not concern anyone; it is just a figment of my
imagination. But I already feel sorry for the man who will date and break up
with me.
In an attempt to kick the
wall, and not being falsely accused of ‘gender-biasness’, I bring the male
version of ‘When two upcoming writers part-ways aka breakup this is what one
party has to say’ Part 2
“She thinks she is
a writer, that too a ‘feminist’ writer. But she does not know A about feminism-
she said ‘Second Sex’ is an award winning record by Enrique Iglesias, what
crap! If I comment on her weight she accuses me for making sexist remarks, and
if she mocks at my short height, which she does six days a week, then it is
healthy criticism. She bitches about all the women, especially those who are
beautiful, and every second woman is more beautiful than her, so she is like a
24 x7 channel which telecasts beauty pageant and bitching together. Instead of
respecting the decision of ‘unmarried woman’, she calls them ‘f*** retard’. For
her smart women are big time show-offs. She once said that billionaires are the
greatest gift to women. She has so much of hots for European man specifically
from eastern part that any man with tonsil problem can call her up, talk, and
she will faint at that accent which she cannot even understand. And someone
please go and tell her that I thank her for the nights when she made me sleep
in the lawn, it was like revisiting my Boy Scout days.’
2016
She made him fall in love all over again
He
promised himself never to fall in love again, but she was like the finger
inside the butt of an old man having a hard time shitting. And we all know how
it feels, we all have been there, the tip is the most painful, but once we
gently pull out the finger, the shit comes out like a hurricane, then we are at
ease and our stomach is all set for another meal. He was stubborn, but she was
the cure to his stubbornness.
AS THE CLOCK STRUCK
3.00
am- On my mind, too early to greet you, ‘Good morning!’
6.00
am- On my mind, not a good time to ask, ‘Are you still on the bed?’
9.00
am- On my mind, have you put on your seatbelt?
12
pm- On my mind, is your lunch nutritious?
15.00
pm- On my mind, don’t you feel like taking a siesta?
18.00
pm- On my mind, I am home, are you stuck in the traffic?
21.00
pm- On my mind, the dinner was great, how was yours?
00.00
am- On my mind, I have just finished reading a nice book. Are you still
working? Is your coffee still warm? Why don’t you take rest?
00.05
am- On my mind, good night!
*I
am too shy to say it loud, but I do care.
2017
Pointicles to Myself on My
Birthday!
You are getting old, but
how does it matter. A gold is a gold irrespective of age.
You are not the most beautiful woman in this world,
you are number second, so stay humble.
Let your hunger and thirst for knowledge never run
out. Even if you win Noble Prize under one of the three categories- Literature,
Economics and Peace, remember you have so much to learn. Yeah, Noble Prize
is highly political anyway, nothing to do with your brains.
Be kind to everyone, even your enemies. Enemies
because they will inspire you in sketching the characters of the antagonists in
your novels.
When
friends get married, don’t be worried. They have found their soul mate for
themselves, you haven’t, and that’s enough of a good reason for them to be
married.
Don’t
burst your head thinking about employment, remember, you have a backup plan
ready? The plan is- to be the keynote speaker in seminars/ conferences/
workshops under the theme, ‘How to Love and Reloved: Recycling Love in 21st Century
AD.’ Gosh! You’ll have a PhD, people will take you seriously.
Your
family is your greatest support system; don’t ever bring mighty undetectable
virus to crash it down.
Bloodline
does not always define who your family is, hence, treat your friends with love
and loyalty, but trust only few, remember Brutus and Caesar.
You
are not a bad person, and that’s exactly the reason why SBI has been wishing
you on your birthday for the last five years.
Always
be thankful for what you have. There are people in this world who does not have
water to drink, food to eat, roof to sleep under or is breathing their last
breath.
Pray
and stay happy!
UNTITLED
1. Why I
don’t believe in the bullshit called couple’s sun sign compatibility?
I am a
Gemini woman, Libra men are supposed to be the best match for me. Once, this
Libra man made a super sexist remark, he had to run in his boxer shorts because
I chased him half the Lodi road with broken bottle in my hand.
2. Some
women take their husband’s surname (Demi Moore).
Some women keep two
surnames (Aishwarya Rai Bachchan).
Some women goes on
using her surname even after marriage (Ellen DeGeneres).
